I got a cool sword for Christmas
But the idiot at the store
Wrapped it in 100 feet of wrapping paper
And I cannot fathom what for.
Good Night In Seattle
THE BIRDS AND THE SHEEP PLAYED A GAME
AND AT FIRST, YEAH, THE BIRDS LOOKED LAME
THEN WE WENT TO OT
AND OH GOOD GOLLY GEE
GIVE RESPECT TO OUR SEAHAWKS’ NAME!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Mistake
Every day I write some rhymes
But in these most uncertain times
I find some days I have forgot:
I meant to write, but I did not.
Yesterday was an instance such
Where my discipline did lose its touch.
But now I’m back! Fear not my friend!
These cringeworthy verses have yet to end!
Filed under Poems
The Sound Of Christmas
Hello Santa, my old friend.
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because it seems that you have been creeping,
Watching me while I was sleeping,
And the rating that you gave me on your list
Still persists
Within the sound of Christmas.
On snowy streets I walked alone,
Seeking humbly to atone.
Sounds of sleigh bells ‘round the holidays
Remind me all about my naughty ways
And my eyes are peeled for the red of a nose so bright
To light the night,
Guiding your flight this Christmas.
And in the Winter night I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People shopping without speaking
Snowflakes falling but not glistening,
Heard the same old songs from the 1950’s blared;
No one cared
To change the sound of Christmas.
“Fools” said I, “He always knows
How many sizes your hearts grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you
To not be naughty. I beseech you.”
But my words like silent snowflakes fell
And echoed with the bells of Christmas.
And the people bowed and prayed
Where the son of God was laid
While the signs flashed out their decree:
“Come in and buy one and you’ll get one free.”
And the line down the sidewalk
Seeking discounts will find their goal
And get some coal
In their stocking this Christmas”
Filed under Poems
“Contagion” Is A Synonym For “Paid Time Off”
My wife has a disease
Where her nose is really oozy,
Her muscles ache, she’s sneezy,
And occasionally woozy.
She sleeps a lot and burps a lot
And makes a sound like “schplurk”.
I’m going to kiss her on the mouth
Then take some time off work.
Filed under Poems
Special Ed Games
If they say “duck” then you’re in luck.
If they say “goose” you must vamoose.
If they say “I will reduce carbon emissions”
You’re playing with future politicians.
Filed under Poems
But Were They Replaced By Apples?
Bananas recall
When they were the phone-shaped fruit.
Ah, the good old days…
Filed under Poems
Financial Planning 101
All you have to do to be rich
Is take a home equity loan
Then invest in a diversified index fund
With an interest rate that makes you moan
Then wait thirty years as the market grows
And you’ll be in billionaire bliss!
That or just be good looking
And divorce someone who did this.
Filed under Poems
That Was My First Mistake
You ask how I got this black eye?
Are you sure you want to hear it?
Well, my options were fight or flight
And my airline of choice is Spirit.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 