Category Archives: Poems

When A Kid Asks “Why Is Money Good?”

If you write someone a check

For $20.42

You’re basically giving them

A fancy IOU

That they can take to any bank

And swap for coins and bills

Which are, themselves, just IOUs

From folks on capital hill.

You can use these IOUs

To buy treasury bonds

Which are IOUs that pay you cash

Just for holding on.

If you cash these IOUs

You’ll find, in fact, you can’t

Because they’re just as meaningless

As the average Facebook rant,

But if you give them to your friends

Or drop them from the sky

You’ll become an instant hero.

Now do you regret asking “Why?”

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What Degree of Bachelor?

I was sitting by myself

When, as if from out of thin air,

A nymph straight from my fantasies

Asked “Is anyone sitting there?”

I smiled as well as a man can smile

When faced with an 11/10

And said “It’s free.” She said “Lovely!”

Then gave it to her friend.

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When The Subtitles Don’t Match The Singer

Sometimes I wonder

If deaf people have to censor rap videos

Because someone accidentally curses in sign language.

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Who Goes To Concerts To Listen Anyway?

The origin of Death Metal

Is really pretty neat:

They recorded Beatles fans

And set it to a beat.

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Immortality, Step One

I flirted with death

When I ran a red light.

Death tweeted #Metoo

‘Cause I’m male and white.

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An Honest Fairy Tale

A long, forgotten time ago

In long-forgotten lands

There lived a pair of lovely twins

Who worked as stablehands.

The first girl was named Allison,

The second, Mirabella.

Both had dreams of rescue

By a prince (or princely fella).

Both were bright and beautiful

And full of youthful vigor,

Their smiles were breezes in the heat

And fires within the frigor.

Allison worked hard all day

Attending to the mules,

Believing that her honest work

Would lead to princely jewels.

Mirabella worked instead

As little as she could,

Aiming to stay soft and clean

As any princess should.

Many peasants came to try

To earn a sister’s heart.

Some were strong or rich or brave

And others still made art.

But neither flowers and poetry

Nor deeds both great and small

Could attract the twins, who wanted

A prince, else none at all.

Allison grew old and strong

And wealthy all the while.

Mirabella just grew old,

But did it with a smile.

There are far fewer princes

Than lovely stablehands

In both the world in which we live

And long-forgotten lands.

Neither twin could find a prince

And neither was a wife

But both, at least, had managed

To live a happy life.

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Infinity

I was an ordinary guy

Who married a single mom.

My new wife had an adult son…

I chose to call him Tom.

I was the product of a household

If a single mom as well

And it just so happened that my mom

Was my son Tom’s new belle.

Mom and Tom got married

And things got really fun

‘Cause a man who’s now my uncle

Is also my stepson.

Also interesting,

And nearly twice as bad,

Is that my stepson/uncle

Is also now my dad.

So if my son’s my father

Then I really have become

My own father as well

Since I’m my father’s father’s son.

Thus I am at once myself

And someone unrelated.

One of me is weirded out;

The other is elated.

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Microaggressions

I told my friend “good morning”

And they just said “morning” back

Which makes me wonder what I did

To deserve that sort of attack.

——————————————————–

He said “My pronoun’s potato

“Instead of he, him, and his.”

I mumbled “What isn’t a pronoun”

And he shouted “Yes, what is!”

——————————————————–

I ate dessert for breakfast

Though I don’t know how or why;

I made some scrambled eggs

But they identified as pie.

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Think Of A Clown, But Creepy, Then Laugh A Lot And Act Evil…

Jared Leto, as The Joker,

Made “Suicide Squad” tolerable.

Joaquin Phoenix, as The Joker,

Made his film a billion-dollar-able

Heath Ledger, as The Joker,

Took the Oscar world by storm

And Jack Nicholson, as The Joker,

Was creepy, as per the norm.

Cesar Romero, as The Joker,

Was a true comedic villain.

With nothing but his voice

Mark Hamill made The Joker chilling.

Looking at this track record

All I have to say

Is maybe… (bear with me) maybe…

Joker’s an easy roll to play?

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The Power Of Education

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

This poem is boring;

Let’s see what a PhD will do…

Rosoideae are vermillion,

Their brethren, cyan.

I choose to eschew the quotidian

Because, demonstrably, I can.

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