When you remember your username
But the password you do not
And have to point out stop signs
To prove you aren’t a robot…
I think they should have a youtube ad
And if you don’t click “skip in 5”
They know you are a robot,
Or at least you’re not alive.
Filed under Poems
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
And yellow’s just like
“Wut dawg? U trippin’ bro?
“Violets are fuckin’ purple,
“And just ’cause I don’t rhyme easily
“Y’all just acting like dandelions and sunflowers and poppies and buttercups and, oh yeah yellow roses, don’t exist?
“Naw dawg, whatever. I’m out.”
Filed under Poems
The family was gathered,
The chicken was frying,
And somewhere on TV
Our leaders were lying.
I was lighting the fireworks
And feeling just fine
‘Til I held up my fingers
And counted to nine.
Filed under Poems
Tomorrow is independence day
In the United States of A,
When lots of old guys wrote a thing
That basically said “Go suck it, King.”
But it’s a day not just about vacation.
Think of the day before the declaration
When patriots said, on that long past 3rd of July
“Holy crap, my dudes, we gonna die!”
Filed under Poems
I knew a pirate captain
And boy, was he a putz!
He tried to hump his steering wheel
And complained “This is driving me nuts!”
Filed under Poems
California made it illegal
To discriminate based on hairstyle.
This is one of the greatest things
I’ve heard in quite a while
Because, based on liberal input,
I know that all white people are racist
And I’ve developed the ultimate strategy
For cutting my hair on that basis:
It’s illegal to bias one’s choices
For traditional hairstyles of race
Like cornrows or dreadlocks or afros
And because this is the case
I can shave my head to spell letters,
Specifically “I disagree.”
Now watch as the left calls me Hitler
And I just say “Hee, hee, hee.”
Dedicated to Helen, My Evil Stepsister 🙂
Want to suggest a poem topic? Leave a comment or email thedailytravesty@yahoo.com
Filed under Poems
I asked the rock-paper-scissors champion
The secret of which symbol’s best to choose.
He smiled as he answered: “The key to my success
“Is, when I play, I always try to lose.”
Filed under Poems
I dream of a Utopia
Where no one eats for free,
Where no elected shadow
Dictates how I must be me,
A place I can be lonely
When I don’t want to fight.
Utopia, I know you’re there
Smiling, out of sight.
I’m homesick for Utopia,
Where death is commonplace,
Where value lies within the heart
Instead of on the face,
A world of small discomforts
That all will know and love
And one where there’s no safety net
Or eyes from up above.
The void between Utopia
And where I’m standing now
Is only empty space to cross,
And so I take a vow
To walk beyond the cliff I see,
To fall, or else to fly.
My body may not make it;
That’s how I know it’s worth a try.
Filed under Poems
I see a lot of ads these days
When browsing on the net
For Calvin Klein’s new underwear
(I haven’t purchased yet).
Since it’s pride month I get these pics
Of models in a bra.
The caption reads “Proud in my Calvins,”
But I read it as “Hell naw!”
I’m curious if, come July,
We start to see some ads:
“Fruit of the Loom: No fags allowed.”
“Target: For guys with ‘nads.”
“Jesus loves Mack Weldon briefs:
“Wear them or be a sinner.”
“Panties for ladies who realize
“Dildos don’t buy you dinner.”
Filed under Poems
Here I am and in my prime,
No need for fear, no lack of time,
My IQ’s high, my flaws are few,
But there’s one foe I’ve yet to slew.
Somehow I feel my knees go weak
If, to a stranger, I must speak.
I can solve equations in my head
But not control the sense of dread
That spreads from pate to waist to toes
When I must speak to Jane or Rose.
I know Shakespeare, Austen, Keats,
But not wherefore my heart so beats.
Perhaps I’ve read too many tomes
To mix with non-y-chromosomes?
Filed under Poems
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