In the news: 007 is a black lady
And a million people attack area 51.
Neither endeavor is likely to succeed
But at least “Seein’ dem aliens” will be fun.
Category Archives: Poems
The Family Diner
I went to a family diner
I ordered a “family omelette”.
The menu wasn’t specific
So I waited to see what I’d get.
When they delivered the omelette
I found myself rather stricken
‘Cause what they called a “family omelette”
Was apparently just eggs and chicken.
The submenu options included
The “family omelette deluxe”
Which, inspired by Angelina Jolie,
Was chicken with eggs from some ducks.
The Conservative family omelette
Came with napkins that asked you to pray for it.
The Liberal family omelette
Was the same, but made someone else pay for it.
The feminist family omelette
Had no eggs and weighed 300 pounds.
The black family omelette had half as much chicken
‘Cause was no daddy chicken around.
The Japanese family omelette
Came with an unrealistic hairdo
And, upon looking closer, you’ll find
It has better SAT scores than you.
When I went to that family diner
I brought my future wife on a date.
I still visit on weekends and holidays
When I don’t have a lot on my plate.
Filed under Poems
Oscarbait 2019
I screamed at the milk carton
“Why doesn’t she love me?”
The milk carton pondered
For a long, long time.
Starring Keanu Reeves.
Filed under Poems
One Step Back, Two Steps Forward
Some say poetry is crap.
Others call it art.
Nobody liked my soccer poem
And I’d call that a very good start!
Filed under Poems
Sorry Europe, South America, And Basically Everywhere Else, But You Have Terrible Taste
There’s an argument in the USA
About soccer teams and equal pay
‘Cause men got paid more overall
Despite the women winning all the way.
The other side of this tirade
Says the male players are underpaid
Because the revenue their team produced
Was 55 times more than the women’s team made.
Now how revenue or standings weigh
On the importance scale I can’t say.
The real question is, in 2019,
Why won’t this stupid sport just go away?
When You Hate The Haters, You Hate Yourself, But I’m White So I Should Hate Myself Anyway And I’m So Confused…
“Everyone loves our movies”
Said the Disney corporation
As they embarked on making
Their next live-action adaptation.
“The only problem I can see”
Said a modern movie buff
“Is that your previous films
“Don’t hate straight white men enough.”
And so the Disney corporation
Began to turn away
Anyone who wasn’t brown
Or female or gay.
Now the Disney corporation
Isn’t evil, FYI
Despite their CEO Bob Iger
Being an old cis-hetero white guy.
We know he isn’t evil
And his movies aren’t trash
‘Cause anti-white discrimination
Is what brings Disney their cash
And money, after all,
Is what makes the world go round.
(Also, you know who to blame
If I go missing and am never found).
Filed under Poems
My Covenant
Some people with a time machine
Would cure diseases in the past,
Kill Hitler as a baby
To stop the Jews from being gassed,
See what dinosaurs were like
Or build the pyramids.
Some would travel back in time
To relive being kids.
If I had a time machine
I’d go to a monastery
Where people sang Gregorian chant
With ye olde Tomme, Dicke, and Harrye
And play the drum and violin parts
To the Halo menu song.
Some people would go to the future
To cure cancer, but they’re wrong.
Filed under Poems
Dialects
In America we spell “color;”
In the UK it is “colour” with a U.
In America it’s “blue”
InFrance it is “bleu.”
In America it’s “Hell;”
In Middle Earth it is “Moria.”
In America it’s “yay;”
In Catholic it is “Gloooooooooooooo,ooooooooooo,ooooo,oooooo…ria!”
Filed under Poems
What The Flock?
The best men in America
All come from Arkansas.
They’re peacocks in the city
And turkeys in the straw.
——————————————————–
“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”
Is really a load of bull…
When there’s no meat on the table for dinner
Nobody’s like “But the bushes are full!”
——————————————————–
Some say Bird Jesus is a parrot
‘Cause he always has something to say.
I personally disagree because
Bird Jesus is a bird of pray.
——————————————————–
The woods were dark and silent
And our hunting trip did fail.
My wife said the woods were empty
But I just think the birds were male.
Filed under Poems
Millennial Parents Be Like…
The dentist asked three little boys
“Every day do you floss?”
Jeff said “Yes”
And Jeph said “Yes”
And Geoff said “Yeos.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 