God made twelve hours of light and dark
In an alternating way
Then sat a while
And with a smile
Decided to call it a day.
Category Archives: Poems
Dear [Insert Any WNBA Team Here, If You Can]
I think that women’s basketball
And the WNBA
Deserve credit for helping
So many girls admit they’re gay.
But when they start demanding
More fair and equal pays
It behooves them to remember
That you can’t have both these days.
See, the typical NBA guy
Eats 2,000 pounds per day
Is 12 feet tall and has a trunk
And their skin is tough and gray.
The typical WNBA-er
Is about the same, you see
Except no one will pay to see her
‘Cause she’s only five-foot-three.
At one game we ask “do you think
“Shaquille can dunk on Mike?”
At the other game we wonder
“You think that one’s not a dyke?”
But if you score a hundred points
In every single game
And hire a player anyone
Would recognize by name
And sell out any contest
Then we’ll pay you like Jeff Teague.
Until you do, just be content
That you still have a league.
Filed under Poems
Nothing Says “Please Don’t Hit Me With The Cleaver Again” Like Flowers
My neighbor has a rose garden
That he’s tended all his life
Which really makes you wonder:
Just how angry is his wife?
Filed under Poems
St. Patty’s Day
Today we drink and wear green clothes
And that’s just about it.
I hope I’ve helped to illustrate
Why this holiday is shit.
Filed under Poems
Board Games In Baltimore
We sat down to play
The latest version of Clue,
Read through the rulebook
To check what was new,
Saw a new character
Named “Mr. Not-White”
And we shouted “Case closed”
And called it a night.
Filed under Poems
…Or Girls In General, For That Matter
“The devil plays the violin,
The instrument of mortal sin.”
I told her this, then said hello.
#How to not pick up girls who play cello
Filed under Poems
Mom Was Right
There comes a time in our epoch
When you face the toughest of fights,
You, insignificant human
Alone with the crusher of lights,
A few hundred pounds of soft tissue
Versus a beast from which no one can hide
But you have one ally to help you:
You can turn off the screen and go outside.
Filed under Poems
Shakespeares’s Cat
Kitty kitty
Of my heart,
Who’s a good cat?
Verily, thou art!
I say to thee
A coochy-coo
For who art the cutest?
‘Tis you! ‘Tis you!
Kitty kitty
Ball of fur,
What pleasures come
When you doth purr!
My only wish
For you is yon:
Do sheath your claws
‘Till break of dawn.
Filed under Poems
If You Think This Poem Rhymes You Probably Aren’t Rich
You can tell if someone’s more likely
To play basketball or the harp
By whether they write #F
Or instead they write F#
Filed under Poems
Guys and Dolls, Mother Russia Edition
I once went shopping at the mall
With a Russian guy and a Russian doll.
The Russian guy could reach the top shelf
But the Russian doll was too full of herself.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 