Category Archives: Poems

Lent Carols

Silent bells, silent bells,

Silent all the way.

We’re not happy but at least

The priests don’t know we’re gay. Hey!

Silent bells, silent bells,

Silence for the win!

Here’s to seven weeks to stew

In our original sin!

Silent night, holy night.

Jesus ate not a bite.

Satan says “make that rock into bread.”

Jesus’s like “Naw, I’ll come back from the dead.”

Then he gave up Facebook!

(If you doubt it go read the good book).

On the first day of Lent

Jehovah gave to me…

Hot sand and misery!

On the second day of lent

Jehovah gave to me

No 🤬ing food

And some hot sand and misery!

On the third day of Lent

Jehovah gave to me…

(Use your imagination, we’ve got 38 more days of this 💩)!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Why I’m Homeschooled

I knew not how to spell “Schism”

And so I took a wild guess…

“I-t-apostrophe-s-P-

o-i-n-t-l-e-s-s.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

The College Nerd

Back when I lived in the dorms,

I was no fan of social norms.

It was there when I finally heard

My conscience say “you are a nerd.”

For in the dorm above my own

One night I heard a lustful moan,

Then another, then yet more

While I was beating my high score.

Although my skill is up to snuff

The type of games I play are tough

So I yelled “Be quiet when you *bleep* her!

“I’m trying to focus on Minesweeper.”

Now you may laugh and call me names

Since I scoff at sex while playing games

But I avoided future strife:

Minesweeper trains men for married life.

Virgin loser? Yep, that’s me!

Enjoy your one-night TNT.

1 Comment

Filed under Poems

Star Wars Episode IX

The stormtrooper lands

In Nairobi, Kenya

And fires his blaster

Into the falling H2O.

The Jedi asks the trooper

“What was all that?”

And the trooper says

“I miss the rains down in Africa.”

*Roll Credits*

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Priorities

I don’t see why we’re worrying

About regulating guns

When supermarkets sell packages

Of eight hot dogs and ten buns.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Tonight: Shred Monkey (Ft. The Green Bay Packers)

When it comes to choosing my dream career

I’ve finally made a decision:

I’ve decided I want to be

A major league musician…

I want to be in a band so famous

They play quick football games during intermission.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Hopscotch Reimagined

Who are these people,

These lines of numbered squares?

How do they feel

As the world around them stares?

As they’re moved from chalk outlines

Into their waiting coffin

We wonder why they’re murdered

On playgrounds so often…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

About Your Pet Spider…

If you tell me to take care of

A monster with eight eyes

I hope you won’t be unhappy

When it inevitably dies.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Knowledge =/= Power

I know how to love my neighbor.

I know how to win a fight.

I know how to hold my ground

And not back down from what is right.

I know how to give a speech

And how to help a friend in need.

I know how to make love grow

From what was but a tiny seed.

I know how to be myself.

I know how one’s heart forgives.

I know how to stoke the fire

Which in my soul forever lives.

I know how to have no fear

And hold myself in high regard.

The only problem I can see

Is everything I know is hard.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

On The General Nature Of Material Things

In this world of cats and dogs,

Of black and white, of bricks and logs,

It seems it nature’s choice we trust

The things which most resemble us,

Because of nature or our minds,

We oft call “evil” other kinds

Of creatures, colors, or supplies;

To do this I don’t think is wise.

If dogs chase cats or cats scratch dogs,

If we stack bricks or burn some logs

We do these things not out of spite

But merely ’cause it feels right.

So are we, by our nature, wrong

To do as we’ve done all along

Merely since a precious few

Feel malice as these things they do?

Shall we, must we, can we insist

That the building and the chase desist?

Are we all not good human beings

But, one and all, [Insert here]-ist fiends?

I like to think what harm we do

Is in pursuit of what is true,

And if we don’t find verity

We fail with true sincerity.

Impose not evil on the Earth

For no more than being given birth

And if another’s sin you see

Know the sinner is human like you and me.

Perhaps through this we’ll forget war,

We’ll never suffer anymore.

More likely we’ll still scratch and bite

But, mindfully, still smile despite.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems