Little birds fly
And small children don’t.
Dogs obey loving masters
But small children won’t.
Whales jump on command
Through rings made of fire
But children would never
Do something so dire.
Small children are builders,
But so is an ant.
A fly can do everything
Small children can’t.
Pediatricians are pricey.
What’s cheaper are vets.
That’s why I shun children
In favor of pets.
Filed under Poems
Glorious, glorious, glorious mom!
You are the shizzow! You are da bomb!
Your presence brings comfort, just like forty winks.
Dad says “no pet dolphin’, but what does you thinks?
Filed under Poems
We met online at 12:00 AM
And bonded over cats.
We bared our souls with smileys
And confirmed the predictions of anonymous stats.
We texted back and forth a bit
Before we met in real life.
You thought I was kinda cute.
I knew you’d be my wife.
But as the days and weeks went by
Our love was less smooth than I was hopin’.
You kept some of the gifts I sent you
But the boxes of dead rodents, you didn’t open!
So now I’m naked, watching Louie
On Amazon TV
Regretting how your heart did not
Know how much that cat-bonding meant to me.
Filed under Poems
Nothing says “hypocrite”
Like a guy saying “hypocrite.”
Nothing says “hippo crit”
Like large, lucky mammals.
Nothing says “pachyderm”
Like an yderm salesman’s boss,
And I suppose also
Some verbose plucky camels.
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Lucid wall of rusty bricks…
Placid bolt of melted meat…
Suit all made of candle wicks…
What the heck did I just eat?
Filed under Poems
It seems every woman I meet
Is a gold digger of sorts,
Or else too young to engage
As romantically-inclined cohorts.
I’m not the sort of man who’s oft
Accused or called a whiner
But for once I want to meet a gal
Who’s not a miner or a minor.
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When I’m with you
The sun shines brighter,
The water’s warmer,
My body’s lighter.
When I’m with you
I am flavorful, raw.
I just wish you’d get rid of
This hook in my jaw!
Filed under Poems
Mirror mirror
On the wall,
Inanimate object
Which is humanly tall,
Always honest,
Occasionally kind.
Some make it their lives.
Some pay it no mind.
Mirror mirror
(The rearview one),
You’re much more useful
Than my son.
You save my life
Most every day
Which is more than for
That little jerk I can say…
Mirror mirror
Speckled with spit
Above the sink
Next to where I shit.
You are a helpful
Reflective fellow
And thanks to you
My teeth are lighter yellow.
Mirror mirror
That I clutch,
I don’t think my Dad
Likes me very much.
It started when
I pushed him out of the boat
When we were touring the castle
With the shark infested moat.
Mirror mirror
Above the bed,
You don’t judge me
For missing half my head.
For now I sleep
But tomorrow’ll be fun.
I’m going make-up skydiving
With my son.
Mirror mirror,
Reflective lake
My fall you are
Destined to break.
The chute did nothing
When I pulled the pin.
Hey, what’s that gray
Triangular fin?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 