There once was a spider in my room
That met a most violent doom.
Other spiders said “Yahoo!
“Let’s all go there too!”
And that’s why my shotgun went boom.
How I Choose To Put Stuff In My Body
You know those ads that run late at night
Where the guy tells you how to solve life
By eating one teaspoon of Stuff every day.
After all, it’s how he found his wife
Even though he was homeless and 300 pounds
And rodents were all he digested
Until he discovered a miracle cure
That one night he just manifested.
It’s a powder with maca, ginseng, beluga,
Alabaster, carnuba, and chives
And though the FDA says it’s not tested at all
It will change many millions of lives!
Well the guy selling Stuff that the FDA doubts
Saying it will make everything great
Has the same credentials as the Covid vaccine
Which is why I personally hesitate.
Filed under Poems
The Worrier’s Day Off
I’ve just been so busy!
I need to relax,
So I’ll sleep in a bit
And eat a few snacks,
Go for a walk
Or do something constructive,
Then blame myself for
Not being productive.
Filed under Poems
It’s Not About Race; It’s About Culture
Deep in the woods by a little green lake
Lived a man who had never been sad.
His life was just joy from the start to today,
Never once punctuated by bad.
He called the birds and the frogs company
And sang to the wood he would stack…
But all of that changed when he saw CNN
And learned what it meant to be black:
He learned that despite being happy and free
His life was defined by oppression
And how being equal to everyone else
Was the only worthwhile obsession.
He was overwhelmed, shocked even, until
He heard an inspiring call:
He realized he hadn’t voted for Biden
And thus wasn’t black after all!
Filed under Poems
“Write A Poem With Silver And Orange… You Can’t”
All that is gold does not glitter;
All that is green does not grow;
But all that is orange and all that is silver
Will not have an easy rhyme though.
Filed under Poems
Not All Mentors Are Created Equal
Spring chicken, tell me what you see
Beyond the veil of this unyielding world?
It is a strange thing, to be sure,
And I’m not sure I understand it
In my mind or heart
But still I trust, for I asked and you answered
“Puckaaaawwwwww!”
I shall strive to live by those words.
Filed under Poems
Moments Before You Realize Your Cosmic Impotence
The sky had a sun that was adorning
The sky at five a.m. in the morning.
It was bright and obnoxious
And for some reason I thought this:
“Go down now… this is your last warning.”
Filed under Poems
It Appears To Be Awakening Even Now
An eon ago, when the earth was young
And all the people spoke one tongue
The brain had a chamber that now just slumbers
That it used for remembering friends’ phone numbers.
Legend says when it awakes
And says, “Well gosh, for goodness sakes,
“That was a spiffy power nap”
Humanity will turn to crap.
Filed under Poems
Watch Out
There once was a clock on a wrist
That one day became rather pissed.
It said “Time isn’t real,
“So how does that feel?”
Now it is for sale on Craigslist.
Filed under Poems
YA Dystopian Epics
Once upon a time
In a far away world
That turns out to be the USA by book 3
A brave young girl
With a stupid name
Becomes an unlikely hero
When she’s mildly inconvenienced
By an otherwise fine totalitarian system.
Alongside her trusty sensitive boyfriend
And the other dude who has no chance
But is still in the book for some reason
She will change the world…
Then she’ll do it again in book 2
In basically the same way
And then there’s a third one
Where the writer basically tells you
“War is bad,” or something
Because you kinda have to keep reading.
Her battle will be legendary
For about ten years
Until the next four-book trilogy releases.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 