Roses are red.
Biden is tired.
The guy who holds his “applause” sign
Apparently got fired.
Live and Learn
When I was five years old I thought
That I was pretty strong
Until I tried to lift my dad
And found out I was wrong.
When I was fifteen I figured
That I was pretty suave
Until I learned that suave’s a word
That doesn’t rhyme with “shave.”
When I was twenty five I thought
That I was pretty smart
Until I turned my car key
And the engine didn’t start.
And I suspect at thirty five
And forty five and older
The things I saw in my mind’s eye
I’ll see as a beholder.
I just hope at ninety
Or whenever death will dial
I’ll remember all the times I erred
Then look ahead and smile.
Filed under Poems
After Colonoscopy Comes Horoscopy
The nurse said “I’m Aquarius!”
The lab tech said “I’m Virgo!”
I said “I’m a Cancer!”
The doctor said “I know.”
Filed under Poems
Coping
I’m reading a book recommended to me
By a woman whom I once adored.
I’m reading, avoiding inviting the world
For the world leaves me feeling ignored.
I make friends with a spider I’m terrified of
Who lives on my white bedroom wall;
I know he deserves life as much as I do
Even though he is creepy and small.
I’m wearing soft clothing, lying and waiting
And writing a poem in bed,
Remembering over and over forever
The words that I felt and I said.
I’m hearing the lawnmower, water through pipes,
The cars on the road passing by
Destined to be somewhere other than here
And I can’t help my wondering why.
Why is the grass not allowed to be growing?
Why must the spider bring fear?
Why do the people drive quickly to elsewhere
When they know they will end up back here?
Why do I care for an author’s opinion?
Why can’t I love people less?
All I can do is get up and keep smiling
And be me: a beautiful mess.
Filed under Poems
Oooh Yeah… Daddy Sauron Is Goblin Me Up…
I some some little known facts
About some popular things,
Like how in the very first draft
Of Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings”
Mount Doom was not a volcano
But instead a magnificent gorge
In which Sauron demanded
His orcs run a magical forge.
Luckily, one clever editor
Got to give his final say:
“I think the ‘quest to Orc-Chasm‘
“Could be said in a most awkward way.”
Filed under Poems
This Is (Insert B-List Celebrity Here) Reminding You That Good People Don’t Bomb Each Other
I’m sitting here in the airport
Listening to celebrities giving PSA’s
And I’m wondering which is more painful:
Selling out that much
Or that my taxes paid for them.
Filed under Poems
Today’s White House News
Today a man who made himself
And all his staff exempt
From being vaccinated
Most audaciously has dreamt
That those who didn’t get a shot
That doesn’t stop the spread
Are somehow the ones responsible
That twelve more folks are dead.
Filed under Poems
Women Will Change You
There once was a man named Beyoncé
Who wanted to have a fiancee
But the girls were all like
“Why’s your name not like ‘Mike?’”
Now he goes by his middle name: Chauncey.
Filed under Poems
“F*ck Your Freedom” -Howard Stern
Last year we learned about a cold
That you can’t tell if you’ve got
So the only logical thing to do
Is mandate a mystery shot
That does not stop the spreading
Or the catching of diseases
Because, after all, our liberty
Is whatever our overlord pleases.
Just because it caused a clot
That killed my uncle Stu
Doesn’t mean it isn’t something
Everyone must do!
So why not be a good little sheep
And get your Covid shot?
And if you do in the next 12 hours
We’ll give you some free pot!
Filed under Poems
Male Black Widow Problems
Today is Friday night.
I’m with my darling wife.
We’re gonna have some crazy sex
‘Cause I am done with life.
Filed under Poems
