I think instead of buying tanks
We should hire children
To run around with pool noodles
And speak in Italian to people
Who are unhappy
Because America deserves happiness
And we have to spend $33 trillion on something.
Tag Archives: America
I May Not Have Love, But My Mattress Full Of Money Keeps Me Warm At Night
If you’re having trouble with a breakup,
Feeling glum, and lacking sex
Just remember Elon Musk bought Twitter,
Flipped the bird, and called it his “X”.
Dwayne “Dwayne The Rock Johnson” Johnson
There once was a smoldering man
Who was muscular and quite tan.
He lost all his hair
But did not seem to care
And is basically new Jackie Chan.
Filed under Poems
Nature’s Chosen
Once in every generation
There is born a chosen one
Who eats their veggie burger
Wrapped in lettuce in lieu of a bun
Then drinks a pint of water
That they brought from their house
Because unfiltered tap water has chemicals
And plastic bottles they don’t espouse.
If you are of the lucky few
Who meet this special soul
It is your sacred duty
And your most important role
To take this person to your home
And shoot them in the head
So we can stop this “special” nonsense
And just eat our meat instead.
Filed under Poems
My First Sponsor!
Dear readers, it gives me great Pride(tm) that my blog, a long-time proponent of mediocrity in all forms, has chosen to partner with America’s favorite soft drink:
PIDD!
PIDD! (or Performance Inhibiting Drug Drink) has been taking the world by storm (consensually, of course). Inspired by brands like Disney, Bud Light, and OceanGate, PIDD! is sinking its teeth into all the things that once made you happy like:
The NBA (Nubile Boys of America)
MMA (Male Maidens Association)
UPS (Un-Penissing Service)
UN (United Nations)
And many more!
PIDD! is the only soft drink that makes you softer in both body and mind. It helped Lia Thomas become the first man to win the NCAA women’s 500m freestyle, helped Caitlyn Jenner become Glamour Magazine’s first male Woman of the Year, and now it can help your children become anything we want them to be!
So just like Luke Skywalker, Indiana Jones, James Bond, and the other heroes of your childhood, crack open a can of PIDD! (or pour a lukewarm glass of inner-city tap water) and let’s toast a future where men don’t have to stay that way.
Is Giving Them The Finger Still Rude If They’re Missing One?
A bunch of years ago we said
“Hey King, screw your royal head”
And dumped a hunch of tea into
A bay to say “Bugger off to you.”
Now I think that united spirit
Should say to those who care to hear it
“You’re free to use 2:00 AM fireworks
“But if you do you’re also jerks.”
Filed under Poems
One Peaceful Day In The Country
Tonight we celebrate the fact
That those who bought the fireworks
Are saving them for tomorrow’s main act
And thus are not going “boom“ like jerks.
Filed under Poems
U.S.A
If you use words like “Erudite”,
“Perspicacious”, or “Inscrutable”
In Connecticut you’re charming
But in Florida you’re shootable.
Filed under Poems
A Day In The Life Of A Hero
I’m going to a climate conference
To inspire both hope and confidence
But I’m not sure which jet I should ride
So I’ll take both. I’m too rich to decide!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 