Tag Archives: America

January 1, 2023 · 12:06 pm

New Year, New Ads

A week ago every TV ad

Showed deals on toys and tech.

Now the ads show deals

On food and weight loss. What the heck?

Oh, yeah! Because the year went up

It’s time to be a better you

And thanks to marketing execs

We’ll know just what to do:

Throw money at the products

That say you’ll have more time,

A slimmer waist and better feet

And less suburban crime.

You’ll save a baby elephant

If you buy our fancy knife

And thanks to free shipping (if you buy NOW)

You’ll live a better life.

I, for one, am grateful

To view these free educational shows.

Now excuse me while I lose some weight

And my magically regrows.

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December 30, 2022 · 9:50 pm

Music and Lyrics

I heard some kids sing “Old McDonald”

Singing “With a moo moo here and a moo moo there,

“Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo.”

Then I turned on the radio

And heard a 41-year-old sing

“Who rules the world? Girls.

“Who rules the world? Girls.

“Who rules the world? Girls.

“Who rules the world? Girls.”

Children deserve more respect.

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December 29, 2022 · 10:04 pm

IRS? More Like IQ-0

There once was a federal agency

Who knew how much taxes you owed, you see,

But when you didn’t pay enough

‘Cause math is hard and stuff

They need a whole department to audit ye?

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December 14, 2022 · 7:45 pm

But Seriously, Who Doesn’t Want To Do This At Least Once?

I think people would be happier

If once a day, for free,

They could take an eighteen-wheeler

Packed with TNT

And have a robot drive it

Into their neighbor’s chrysanthemum

But that’s very illegal

‘Cause the government is dumb.

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November 2, 2022 · 8:34 pm

Because “You’re Beautiful Just The Way You Are, And The Right Man Will Love You Forever” Is A Bigoted, Misogynist Message

Pixie dust and fairy farts,

Princess hair and fey Walmarts:

Some came from a movie I loved as a kid.

The others are movies that Disney just did.

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October 26, 2022 · 6:57 pm

What Your Teacher Is Really Thinking About

I remember when saying “Thank you Ma’am”

Was polite, not a micro-aggression.

I recall when when “Boys and girls”

Was how you called kids to attention.

I was there when, instead of a mask,

We taught kids to cover their cough.

Now I work and stay quiet ‘cause I can’t deny

It is nice to still get summers off.

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October 24, 2022 · 8:25 pm

If Only The British Had An Army Of Sentient Bears, America Might Never Have Existed #ThingsFootballTaughtMe

One day in ye olde Boston faire

Some guys had a tea party there.

Then some bears mauled them… mean!

33 to 14

And yeah, the analogy ends there.

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October 21, 2022 · 8:02 pm

Let’s Go Brandon

The economy’s so deep in the tanks

That starving kids in Santiago

Are offering prayers of thanks

That they weren’t born in Chicago.

Meanwhile, the Mormons of Utah

And the Amish of Pennsylvania

Are saying “we got to scoot, yah”

And moving to Albania.

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October 14, 2022 · 9:40 pm

A True Hunter’s End

I was a monster hunter

In a past life, but alas

I was reincarnated

As a big-mouth billy bass

And instead of hunting demons,

Slaying dragons and the like

I sing “Take me to the river”

To a naked guy named “Spike.”

It wasn’t quite the future

I imagined when I fell.

I did not find Valhalla

But a special sort of Hell.

But in between my bursts of song

And bobbing of my head

I dream of where I’ll be reborn

When next I’m stricken dead…

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October 13, 2022 · 7:30 pm

Thursday Night Football

There once were some Illinois Bears

Who played the ex-redskins by O’hare.

They punted and punted

And punted and punted

And who the heck actually cares?

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