The gender-neutral pronoun
In the english tongue is “he”
According to the Chicago Manual of Style.
A person on the internet
Disagreed with me.
He was a vegan 49ers fan named Kyle.
Tag Archives: America
NASCAR as a Political Metaphor
The Right
NASCAR is America’s favorite sport,
And know I think I know why:
They keep turning left over and over
Until they crash, burn, and die.
———————————————————–
The Left
NASCAR is America’s sport,
But the first guy does not understand:
If the drivers do not turn left fast enough
The kill random folks in the stands.
————————————————————
The Highly Intelligent
NASCAR is America’s sport,
But I prefer monster trucks.
At least we agree on the important stuff,
Which is to agree soccer sucks.
Filed under Poems
When The Dragon Finally Wins
Where once there was a chosen one
There stands the lovely fool,
A hero who can’t distinguish
The prison from his school.
The chosen of the dragon and
The savior of the mass
Who once was slaying goblins now
Must take his english class.
The heroes, rogues, magi, and bards,
Barbarians and knights
Have no hydras to vanquish, thus
They learn the Bill of Rights.
What was a land of magic, full
Of ogres, orcs, and elves
Becomes a land where they must slay
The voices in themselves,
The ones that say “You are worthy,
“You are, by nature, fair.”
Teacher says “Slay those parasites,”
Preaching how not to care.
Though no fantastic heroes live
Today, perhaps they can;
There is a dragon, as yet unslain,
Whose form we call “The Man.”
We have the weapons, we have the words,
To fight on, brave and true.
Think for yourself and find your way
To start the tale anew.
Filed under Poems
If They Spot An Oddity They’ll Start Feeling Audity And You’ll Be An Auditee
Thanks for calling IRS
We’re pleased to take your call.
We’ll be with you shortly
In almost no time at all.
Today’s call volume’s low
So you’ll likely only wait
Until the next December
Or the climax of your fate.
In the meantime please relax
And find something to do.
Our agents are quite busy
Making life feel hard for you.
We would like to help you
And help we probably could
But, by law, we are forbidden
To do anything good.
We know you are unhappy
And we know we’ve caused you stress.
Here’s some tax-funded Muzak.
Thanks for calling IRS.
Filed under Poems
Back Me Up, Caitlyn
I don’t call you “sir” ’cause I hate you.
I don’t call you “ma’am” to be a bigot.
I use words 99.4 percent of people
Will prefer to be called. Can you dig it?
Filed under Poems
This Gender-Swap BS Is Making Me Thor
When I hear Disney the Almighty
Makes a movie about Aphrodite
And Tom Selleck’s the star
(And it isn’t subpar)
Then I’ll sigh and perhaps say alrighty.”
——————————————————–
If I want to be Samuel L. Jackson
For Halloween, I cannot.
I can’t on the basis
That blackface is racist,
Or at least that is what I was taught.
But when Marvel takes a Norse God
And make him a random white chick
That’s not a slight
‘Cause he’s already white
And why can’t a Norse God lack a dick?
——————————————————–
When someone signals virtue
But obviously have none
Why don’t we call their bluff?
I know I have had enough.
Signed, a white guy with a gun.
Filed under Poems
My Friday Night
I took me out to a ball game,
Alas, to one with a crowd.
There they sold peanuts and alcohol
‘Cause Cracker Jack’s racist and traditional.
There I learned baseball tactics
And how to play the game right
From a screaming drunk woman
Who looked like a dark alley at night.
“Hit the ball!” Was her opener.
“Throw a strike” later came.
Then was “Make people stop not getting out
“And you’ll win the whole (censored) game!”
It turns out this lady’s cheerleading
Did lead the home team to win
So if you’re still an Orioles fan
Bud Light’s a good place to begin.
Filed under Poems
Really? Really.
In the news: 007 is a black lady
And a million people attack area 51.
Neither endeavor is likely to succeed
But at least “Seein’ dem aliens” will be fun.
Filed under Poems
Sorry Europe, South America, And Basically Everywhere Else, But You Have Terrible Taste
There’s an argument in the USA
About soccer teams and equal pay
‘Cause men got paid more overall
Despite the women winning all the way.
The other side of this tirade
Says the male players are underpaid
Because the revenue their team produced
Was 55 times more than the women’s team made.
Now how revenue or standings weigh
On the importance scale I can’t say.
The real question is, in 2019,
Why won’t this stupid sport just go away?
When You Hate The Haters, You Hate Yourself, But I’m White So I Should Hate Myself Anyway And I’m So Confused…
“Everyone loves our movies”
Said the Disney corporation
As they embarked on making
Their next live-action adaptation.
“The only problem I can see”
Said a modern movie buff
“Is that your previous films
“Don’t hate straight white men enough.”
And so the Disney corporation
Began to turn away
Anyone who wasn’t brown
Or female or gay.
Now the Disney corporation
Isn’t evil, FYI
Despite their CEO Bob Iger
Being an old cis-hetero white guy.
We know he isn’t evil
And his movies aren’t trash
‘Cause anti-white discrimination
Is what brings Disney their cash
And money, after all,
Is what makes the world go round.
(Also, you know who to blame
If I go missing and am never found).
Filed under Poems
