I am a person made of bronze,
Carved from orangish metal.
My body looks so human
But I’m closer to a kettle.
I’ll never move, I’ll never speak,
I’ll never love or feel.
I’ll never be a human,
But I’m absolutely real.
I’ll never learn of math or art.
I’ll never know a fact.
I’ll have no skills in anything,
So I guess I’ll have to act.
My body’s perfect, ageless, strong
Although I can’t be dumber
And thus I’ve come to Hollywood,
Renamed “The Up-And-Comer.”
Filed under Poems
When all was young
In the beginning
There was a big cheese
And we called it a king.
But the cheese was too big
For the peasants’ humble stomachs.
Though they had many plans
The situation continued to flummox.
So they cut up the king,
(Figuratively, of course)
And imposed their own rule
Through riot-based force.
Instead of a king
Who can do as he pleases
They had a republic
Of many smaller cheeses.
Yes, the peasants were the first
Of the modern free-staters.
They made cheeses smaller
And, thus, the cheese grater.
Filed under Poems
I went to a church
Not confident one bit
About appropriate places
For me to sit.
Then a stormtrooper came
And yelled “pew, pew, pew!”
I am so very grateful
That now I know what to do!
Filed under Poems
The snake was made uncomfortable
And it gave a gasp.
You might say it experienced
A pain in the asp.
Filed under Poems
Everybody’s yelling
About Nazis, hate, and Trump
And I’m just giggling to myself
‘Cause somebody said “rump.”
Filed under Poems
I want to talk about the months
And where their names came from.
Please know all of these are true
Even if they sound dumb.
Jan and Ferb Uary
Were brothers who shared a belle.
Jan got mad and misspelled Ferb’s name
But it all ended up pretty well.
March is based on Mcdonald’s logo.
April was the belle Jan and Ferb liked.
May is a grammatically better version of “can.”
June’s the month that nobody liked.
July was Julie, but was sad about Ferb
And got misspelled too ’cause she was so stressed.
August was named by a Texan who
In his accent said the words “I guessed.”
September was God’s gift to calendar’s everywhere.
October was named by someone who thought Ctober was lame.
Nov and Dec Ember were also brothers
But are last in the year ’cause they both had a stupid name.
I hope you feel more knowledgable
About months, but you probably don’t.
I hope you share this with your friends
But if you’re a smart person you probably won’t.
Filed under Poems
Everyday I seek to write
A really lousy poem
Where life is hard and then the good guys lose,
But today I can be lazy
And write this poem instead
‘Cause my narrative is just Virginia’s news.
Filed under Poems
I don’t want to be a gastroenterologist.
As a career I vehemently denounce it,
But should fate make me a gastroenterologist
I guess at least I’d learn how to pronounce it.
Filed under Poems
This evening we sit
In memory of
A weekend that
We came to love.
‘Twas two days long,
Five days too short.
Why’s there no satisfying
Single player sport?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 