Christmas at Hogwarts, 1997:
Harry Potter is in heaven
Opening gifts from his first ever friends
And hoping this day never ends
When off to the side he notices one
Nondescript little package and opens it. Fun!
Inside is a cloak made of magical paper
For invisible movement during a caper.
“How does it work?” Harry asked. Ron, compliant,
Said, “It’s made from the list of all Epstein’s clients.”
Then Harry nodded, his heart feeling zen,
And Professor Quirrel was never seen again.
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Epstein client list
Inner city black father
Livable wage jobs
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I feel sorry for the guy
Who invented the torture rack,
The iron maiden, the eyeball-scooper thing,
And other tools to make folks crack
Because all of his inventions
Were obsolete in 1723
When Pierre Fauchard came to town
And invented dentistry.
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“Why do you have a dog poop bag
“If you don’t have a dog?“
“I still have poop though, don’t I?“
-Conversations from my jog
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So folks are setting off fireworks
On the night of July 3rd
And at first, I’ll admit I was tempted
To flip such folks the bird.
In the spirit of peace and happiness
I instead propose humbly
To instead give them drugs and fireworks
In massive quantities.
Sure, this year the death toll
May be massive, but I say
It’s a way to purge the people
Who can’t wait just one more day.
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Sure, they nailed me to a cross
And death was sort of ouchy
But that isn’t the real reason
That I’m feeling grouchy.
Instead, I’m sick of folks like you
Always shouting my name
When you stub your toe or, I don’t know,
Get mad at a video game.
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Tiger tiger, burning bright
In the zoo, so late at night.
Alas, it seems those corporate jerks
Failed to show how the extinguisher works.
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Two-Thousand Twenty-Five years ago
Judas told Jesus “YOLO”
But Jesus, lacking any fear
Said “Judas, my brudda, holdeth my beer.”
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We’ve finally reached the place
Where Hollywood’s gotten so mid
Black actors are turning down starring roles
And bringing milk home for their kid.
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If your life is a dumpster fire
Don’t think about aiming higher
But find a cold alley
And watch how you rally
The hobos, who your heat admire.
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The Daily Travesty 