Harvey Weinstein, Pablo Escobar, and Joe Biden walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Let me guess… you want me to put it in my body or I’ll never work again?”
Tag Archives: Cynical
When The School Counselor Gives Up
Just because last time you jumped
You injured yourself in the fall
Doesn’t mean you’ll be mistaken
If you once again give it your all.
Just because last time the verdict
Did not go the way you intended
Does not mean your life will be better
If you avoid being offended.
Just because pain is eternal
Doesn’t mean you should quit having fun.
Don’t be a fool! Get up! Go to school!
And oh, by the way, here’s a gun.
Filed under Poems
Today’s White House News
Today a man who made himself
And all his staff exempt
From being vaccinated
Most audaciously has dreamt
That those who didn’t get a shot
That doesn’t stop the spread
Are somehow the ones responsible
That twelve more folks are dead.
Filed under Poems
Okay Zoomer
In the future, little kids
Will visit their Grandma’s houses
And bring along 3D-printed candy
And all four of their spouses
And in between rounds of “Doom 35”
Grandma will tell the tale
Of how when she was a little boy
It was hip to say “epic fail.”
Filed under Poems
Middle Class White People
Today I drove home on a road full of cracks
Past a tent city filled with the needy
To hear how the state gave 85 billion
To terrorists, but somehow I’m greedy?
Filed under Poems
The Minority Excel
Plenty of folks can come up with jokes,
But fewer deliver them well,
Many a person can think up a product,
But few of those products can sell,
A whole host can fail at many endeavors
But few of them fail with grace,
And prisons are full of a criminal plenty
But most of them share the same race.
Filed under Poems
Schools Now vs. Schools After the Corporate Overlords Quit Hiding
Mom and Dad, guess what! Guess what
I learned today in school!
I learned it doesn’t matter
If you’re smart or fast or cool.
The only thing that matters
Is that you have self-esteem,
And that means that you like yourself
No matter how lame you seem.
Child, child, guess what! Guess what
You’ll learn when you get older?
You can love yourself to death
But still get a cold shoulder
Because what people care about
Is not how you project
But whether or not you’re somebody
Who’s worthy of respect.
Mom and Dad, how can I be
Someone who’s worth respecting
If I’m the sort of guy that I
Would always be rejecting?
Child, child, if you hate
The person that you are
You come to city motors
And you buy a better car!
Filed under Poems
When Was The Last Time A Guy With Abs Smiled? I Rest My Case
A boring, shirtless-selfie guy
With pictures of his travels
Briefly loves bikini-babe…
A love that soon unravels.
Alas, the love so brief in time
Creates a permanent child.
This all could have been avoided
If Mr. shirtless-selfie smiled.
Filed under Poems
Social Development Marches On
Once upon a time
A guy decided, “Hey
“What if I called people who
“I don’t agree with ‘Gay?'”
Everybody went along
Until a recent date
When some guy said, “What if instead
“We called bad people ‘Straight?'”
Then a third guy spoke his mind:
“Why not just disagree
“While still speaking with respect
“For our adversary?”
Guy one looked at guy two
And guy two said “Lol… gay!”
Then they lynched the third guy
And all conflict went away.
Filed under Poems
Dear Oldest Child:
Sometimes when mommy’s frisky
And dad’s not watching porn
They send you on a playdate
And another kid is born.
This new kid is a baby,
Just a lump of hungry fat
That cries and poops and sleeps a lot
And not much more than that.
Luckily for the species
But not luckily for you
That baby will get bigger
And eventually turn two.
At this point, the parents
Who loved you when you were little
Will downgrade you, unknowingly,
To the meanest second fiddle.
They’ll love all over new kid
Because, sadly, the fact is
As the oldest child you are
The one on which they’ll practice.
You will need to get straight A’s…
New kid will soar on C’s.
You will beg for any love…
New kid will just say “please.”
Yes, this seems unfair to you
But someday you will see
That this kid turns invisible
When mom has baby 3.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 