Once I took viagra
And had an erection for 36 hours.
That’s a lot of power from a pill!
When, of it, my doctor learned
He said “don’t be concerned,”
But I still had 35 hours and 58 minutes to kill.
Tag Archives: Cynical
It’s Awkward When Someone Says “Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace”
When a man has nothing to say
He waits in silence for the silence to end.
When a girl I like has nothing to say
She says “That’s so nice, but I have a boyfriend.”
Filed under Poems
When The Dragon Finally Wins
Where once there was a chosen one
There stands the lovely fool,
A hero who can’t distinguish
The prison from his school.
The chosen of the dragon and
The savior of the mass
Who once was slaying goblins now
Must take his english class.
The heroes, rogues, magi, and bards,
Barbarians and knights
Have no hydras to vanquish, thus
They learn the Bill of Rights.
What was a land of magic, full
Of ogres, orcs, and elves
Becomes a land where they must slay
The voices in themselves,
The ones that say “You are worthy,
“You are, by nature, fair.”
Teacher says “Slay those parasites,”
Preaching how not to care.
Though no fantastic heroes live
Today, perhaps they can;
There is a dragon, as yet unslain,
Whose form we call “The Man.”
We have the weapons, we have the words,
To fight on, brave and true.
Think for yourself and find your way
To start the tale anew.
Filed under Poems
If They Spot An Oddity They’ll Start Feeling Audity And You’ll Be An Auditee
Thanks for calling IRS
We’re pleased to take your call.
We’ll be with you shortly
In almost no time at all.
Today’s call volume’s low
So you’ll likely only wait
Until the next December
Or the climax of your fate.
In the meantime please relax
And find something to do.
Our agents are quite busy
Making life feel hard for you.
We would like to help you
And help we probably could
But, by law, we are forbidden
To do anything good.
We know you are unhappy
And we know we’ve caused you stress.
Here’s some tax-funded Muzak.
Thanks for calling IRS.
Filed under Poems
The Family Diner
I went to a family diner
I ordered a “family omelette”.
The menu wasn’t specific
So I waited to see what I’d get.
When they delivered the omelette
I found myself rather stricken
‘Cause what they called a “family omelette”
Was apparently just eggs and chicken.
The submenu options included
The “family omelette deluxe”
Which, inspired by Angelina Jolie,
Was chicken with eggs from some ducks.
The Conservative family omelette
Came with napkins that asked you to pray for it.
The Liberal family omelette
Was the same, but made someone else pay for it.
The feminist family omelette
Had no eggs and weighed 300 pounds.
The black family omelette had half as much chicken
‘Cause was no daddy chicken around.
The Japanese family omelette
Came with an unrealistic hairdo
And, upon looking closer, you’ll find
It has better SAT scores than you.
When I went to that family diner
I brought my future wife on a date.
I still visit on weekends and holidays
When I don’t have a lot on my plate.
Filed under Poems
EA Poems
There once was a small stoic duck
Who, alas, had run out of luck.
But he soon hatched a plan
And oh boy and oh man!
Filed under Poems
A Near Miss
I was feeling unfulfilled
As I browsed the worldwide web.
My loneliness was at its peak,
My energy at ebb.
Then I saw an advertisement
That said “Hot Singles Near You.”
I turned on my ad blocker
And was lonely again. Phew!
Filed under Poems
It’s Only Right You Suffer For My Mistakes
Yesterday I wrote two poems.
I feel like a dunce.
I meant one to be published tomorrow (today?)
But it got published at once.
Because of my mistake that day
You must hear me now annunc…
Iate. Yes, this poem is pointless
And every other line rhymes with “grunce.”
Filed under Poems
The American Dream
Imagine a world
With doubt, fear, or hate,
Where all have a warm bed
And a full dinner plate,
Where soft is the water
And fertile the soil.
Now let’s bomb that place
And steal their oil!
Filed under Poems
…They’re Batman…
I read an article today
That said a woman’s voice
Will rise in pitch if she likes you…
It’s subconscious, not a choice.
I called my female contacts
To test the theory via phones.
I enjoyed a pleasant afternoon
With the voice of James Earl Jones.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 