Whether you like mozzarella
Or “anything, as long as its yella”
If you say thank-a-you and please
Then come on down and have some cheese!
We’ve got cheese from cows and goats,
From naked sheep and sheep with coats,
From pigs and deer and even moles.
How much? Bowls and bowls and bowls!
It tastes like heaven. You can check!
It makes the hairs stand on your neck.
And if you melt it… oh, where to begin!
Oh, wait, sorry… you’re vegan…
Filed under Poems
Today my only meal
Was half a can of sour grapes,
Fortified by some shampoo
And a bit of rattlesnake.
I would’ve snapped a photo
But I figure no one’d look…
This could’ve been avoided
If you’d only bought my book!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Were I a can of cheese
Sitting softly on the shelf
I would live a peaceful life,
Like a stereotypical fantasy elf.
I would not fear to be consumed,
Nor to expire or lose my hair.
I would be orange and insubstantial,
Pressured only by compressed air.
And then one fateful afternoon
Should someone spread me out
And eat me, I can surely say
I’ll probably make them pout.
Yes, the life of cheese-in-a-can
Is an underrated goal:
Such is my conclusion.
I hope you found this droll.
Filed under Poems
If you teach men to fish
You’ll feed them forever,
But I find that sometimes
It’s a fruitless endeavor.
I taught fishing in Sweden
But to my dismay
They were still eating candy
The very next day.
Filed under Poems
I splatter unborn baby birds
Onto a burning pan
And eat them with some cattle flesh.
It’s great to be a man!
Filed under Poems
“You can’t make an omelette
Without craking a bag
Of artificial egg-substitute flakes
That lack allergic red flags
And don’t indirectly harm animals
Like your processed foods do.”
I don’t much care for
Vegan analogies. Do you?
Filed under Poems
Is bacon in Canada
Canadian bacon?
Is a pig in Guinea
A guinea pig?
Is this issue important
Like I seem to be makin’
Or is it an issue
Not nearly so big?
Filed under Poems
Many chickens died today
To feed both me and you.
That makes me feel a little bad
For cooking turkey stew.
Filed under Poems
“Best by November 2016”
Was on my salad dressing.
I shook my head as I poured it on
And hoped that Kraft was guessing.
Now my life goes with the flow
And I eat only undressed veggies.
On the bright side never anymore
Do people give me wedgies.
Filed under Poems
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger
Where did you go?
You went down my gullet
To where I don’t know.
Human, human
Dry your tears, wipe your eyes.
I’ll be with you forever
On your belly and thighs.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 