Today my only meal
Was half a can of sour grapes,
Fortified by some shampoo
And a bit of rattlesnake.
I would’ve snapped a photo
But I figure no one’d look…
This could’ve been avoided
If you’d only bought my book!
Tag Archives: food
Still Better Than Veganism
Were I a can of cheese
Sitting softly on the shelf
I would live a peaceful life,
Like a stereotypical fantasy elf.
I would not fear to be consumed,
Nor to expire or lose my hair.
I would be orange and insubstantial,
Pressured only by compressed air.
And then one fateful afternoon
Should someone spread me out
And eat me, I can surely say
I’ll probably make them pout.
Yes, the life of cheese-in-a-can
Is an underrated goal:
Such is my conclusion.
I hope you found this droll.
Filed under Poems
Something’s Fishy… And Also Gummy
If you teach men to fish
You’ll feed them forever,
But I find that sometimes
It’s a fruitless endeavor.
I taught fishing in Sweden
But to my dismay
They were still eating candy
The very next day.
Filed under Poems
Steak and Eggs
I splatter unborn baby birds
Onto a burning pan
And eat them with some cattle flesh.
It’s great to be a man!
Filed under Poems
Or Crack Some Eggs… SORRY! I DIDN’T MEAN IT! AAAAAAH!
“You can’t make an omelette
Without craking a bag
Of artificial egg-substitute flakes
That lack allergic red flags
And don’t indirectly harm animals
Like your processed foods do.”
I don’t much care for
Vegan analogies. Do you?
Filed under Poems
If I Order A Bacon Cheeseburger In Canada What Will I Get?
Is bacon in Canada
Canadian bacon?
Is a pig in Guinea
A guinea pig?
Is this issue important
Like I seem to be makin’
Or is it an issue
Not nearly so big?
Filed under Poems
Were Their Deaths For Nothing?!
Many chickens died today
To feed both me and you.
That makes me feel a little bad
For cooking turkey stew.
Filed under Poems
72 Days Too Late
“Best by November 2016”
Was on my salad dressing.
I shook my head as I poured it on
And hoped that Kraft was guessing.
Now my life goes with the flow
And I eat only undressed veggies.
On the bright side never anymore
Do people give me wedgies.
Filed under Poems
Comfort Food
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger
Where did you go?
You went down my gullet
To where I don’t know.
Human, human
Dry your tears, wipe your eyes.
I’ll be with you forever
On your belly and thighs.
Filed under Poems
Dietary Councilling
They called me an airhead,
A dumdum, a flake,
A limp blob of pudding
And, worse still, a snake.
I guess that it’s true –
One is as one eats.
I’ll back off on the reptiles,
But never the sweets.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 