Today I give thanks
For 93-octane gas…
The kind that nobody buys;
It just sits in tanks
While people say “pass,”
But remains both potent and wise.
Tag Archives: Humor
Shut Up, It’s A Valid Question!
Nine out of ten people agree
A zombie apocalypse would be bad,
And yet there are folks you will see
Who think such a plague is rad.
What I really want to know
Is whether those with necrophilia
Would be more or less turned on
By moving corpses that can kill ya…
Filed under Poems
When You Delete An Account And The Site Says “Bye! (The Way, We’re Going To Store Your Data Indefinitely And Sell It To China ‘Cause You’re Not A Customer Anymore And Also F*** You)”
I’m waiting on a support site,
Ninety-Seventh in the queue
To have an underpaid employee
Perform what one button should do.
As I sit and wait for death
A thought appears within my head:
Instead of helping customers
Just wait for them to leave instead!
In both cases numbers dwindle
And the most impatient flee.
After all, those seeking help
Will probably leave… Haha, heehee!
Then I realized I found
The truth of this nefarious plot.
If I post tomorrow, I’m safe
(But then again, maybe I’m not…)
Filed under Poems
Both are Mostly Empty…
“Airhead’s an offensive term,”
Said my girlfriend of 30 days.
I said, “Sorry, didn’t know.”
Now I call her “Bag of Lays.”
Filed under Poems
For Those Who Missed The Metaphor, The Dragon Is Poverty
The dragon was coming
To Farawayshire
To eat many virgins
And breathe lots of fire.
The lord of the town said
“‘Fraid of dragons we aint,
“For I have procured us
“A fireproof paint!”
And so people painted
The roofs and the walls
Or the houses and stables
And castles and malls
Until the Lord said
With the smallest of sneezes,
“Cease painting at once
“For it causes diseases.”
The paint, it so happened
Did cause minor distress
To persons named Remington,
Fleischmann, and Hess.
Those with such names
Of course caused quite a fuss
While the rest of the town
Wondered, “What about us?
“The dragon is coming!
“How will we survive?
“Sure, a few will be sickened
“But we’ll be alive!”
The mayor just laughed
And he said with a tsk…
“What’s a few teeth and fire
“When our health is at risk?”
And, for some reason, this
Made the citizens calm
And await coming dragons
With nary a qualm.
Filed under Poems
Oh No… OH NO!
I wondered what the worst news ever could be
And I finally have an answer:
It’s hearing your wife of 70 years
Tell you she has testicular cancer.
Filed under Poems
Why Adults Matter
Life is an X-Rated video game
And we are the gigantic foes
That stop young players from seeing things
Until their character grows.
Filed under Poems
If At First You Don’t Succeed…
Eight months ago the plague began
And this is what we did:
We locked the doors and bought TP
And then, for months, we hid.
And when we ate and pooped too much
We ventured out once more,
And so it was the first lockdown
Was written in the lore.
But when the lockdown ended
It seemed the plague had not,
And it was clear the lockdown
Had not a new peace brought.
It hadn’t worked, and so the leaders
Gathered to discuss
What they could say to guarantee
Obedience from us.
What the leaders settled on
Is really rather zen:
“It didn’t work the first time,
“So let’s do the same again!”
And many of the people
Went along without a fight
Because the folks with titles
Told them, “This will make it right.”
Meanwhile, the maskless multitude
Possessing common sense
Said politely, “Thanks, no thanks.”
And thus the world grew tense…
And now a civil war of sorts
‘Tween masked and naked faces
Will not subside regardless of
How numerous the cases.
And all of this could be escaped
If one would simply say
“Do as you will with who you want
“And please respect my way.”
Filed under Poems
Intro to International Business
To effectively communicate
Online in Japanese
You must memorize 2,000
Unique symbols called Kanjiis
As well as two whole alphabets
One-hundred seven letters each.
These are the fundamentals
And the first things people teach.
To converse online in English
Is an entirely different tale…
Just memorize the following:
“Like,” “Your mom,” and “Epic fail.”
Filed under Poems
Who Sang It Better?
I saw an advertisement
While mountain-climbing with my baby.
She asked, “Should we remove it?”
And I replied with, “Maybe.”
So up we climbed, so happy
And the snow made us reflective,
Until we turned around and looked
With our lenses-corrective
At what we later learned
Was a mass of falling soil
Which depressed me, for I knew my life
Was little more than toil.
In hindsight, I took my love
And I took ad down,
Climbed a mountain
And turned around,
I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill
‘Til a landslide brought me down.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 