I heard him tell her “You’re breathtaking,”
And I thought “That’s nice, isn’t it.”
Then I realized it was a guy with a lisp
Who just punched his wife on the tit.
Tag Archives: poems
Why Not .03 Per Cent? FALSE ADVERTISING!!!
Today I saw one per cent milk
And so I gave my mom a holler.
Turns it it’s just crappy milk,
Not 100 milks for a dollar.
Filed under Poems
On A Scale Of One-To-Steak…
When I see people eating kale
I find it kind of odd
‘Cause kale is to vegetables
As celery is to God.
Filed under Poems
Social Media Arguments
If you’d rather win than be happy
And you’d rather be happy than right
You may be a dumb git
And you’ll feel like shit
But hey! You won that Facebook fight.
Filed under Poems
This Poem Simultaneously Existed And Didn’t (Until You Saw The Title)
If the name of Ivan Pavlov
Doesn’t ring a bell
Then I know an Erwin Shrodinger
Whose tale I can tell.
He got himself arrested
Despite being a scientific whizz.
He wasn’t sure he killed someone
But they told him and now he is.
Filed under Poems
Hao Chow Dong?
Chinese chicks are selfish
When it comes to bedroom acts.
You may not, at first, believe me
So I come equipped with facts:
Their zodiac has animals
Like Rabbit, Dog, and Ox.
Missing (eaten) is the Pussycat.
Still present are the Cocks.
The Beaver’s been devoured
But not the Dragon or the Snake.
It seems most Fish and Birds get eaten,
But hey! That’s just my take…
Filed under Poems
EA Poems
There once was a small stoic duck
Who, alas, had run out of luck.
But he soon hatched a plan
And oh boy and oh man!
Filed under Poems
Double Standard Alert!
If a woman sleeps with 20 men
She’s empowered, so that’s okay,
Yet if I sleep with 20 men
Somehow that makes me gay?
Filed under Poems
A Historically Accurate Transcription Of Events Preceding The Invention Of The Microwave Oven
In 1920 some guy said
“A thought just poppethed into mine head.”
His peer responded “Tell me sir,
“What thought does cause thine brain to stir?”
Some guy then said, in a manner quite prickly,
“What if I had a box that heated food quickly?”
His peer replied “Your thought is bold,
“But how about heating the plate and leaving the food cold?”
Filed under Poems
Jesus Bought The DLC
I think that when you die
You just wake up in a dark room
And someone tells you
“Your free trial of Life has expired”
And you have to make a new email address
‘Cause you’re poor.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 