A visitor had phone sex
With a couple of hotel maids.
He thought he couldn’t get an STD
But now he has hearing aids.
Tag Archives: poems
What Do You Want For Dinner?
If there were a food
Whose taste was so divine
To eat it made you orgasm
In an instant forty times,
That not only set your loins alight
But set your heart afire,
A food so good it’s better than
Hearing Taylor Swift retire,
And that this oh-so-perfect food
Can be grown nearly for free,
Can be cooked in 19 seconds
And cures world hunger instantly,
Is the most positive thing in the universe,
Like -1 times the all-time worst
Your girlfriend would whine about it
If you suggested to eat it first.
Filed under Poems
A Bouquet Of Wallflowers
My bedroom, how graceful
The comfort it brings me.
The light through the window
Shines down from above,
And in shadows dancing
On white walls beside me
I find solace in the silence,
Alone with my love.
I remember old friendships,
The names so long forgotten,
Imagine the knowing glances
From one yonder dove,
Then flick on my TV
And lean back among the shadows,
In comfort with my companion,
My bedroom, my love.
Now not ten feet beyond it
A house, warm and welcome, beckons.
It bids me to come explore it,
Partake of its food,
And deep in my spirit
The call echoes deep within me,
But I’d have to do some laundry
And I’m not in the mood,
So I recline ever gently
My blanket’s my body’s glove,
And spend more exotic moments
In the bedroom I love.
At 8:00 my phone’s alarm clock
Plays “Ih, What a Wonderful World.”
I listen intently
To Louis Armstrong’s voice.
I see skies of blue,
White clouds, dark and sacred nights,
And see also comfy pillows
And soon make my choice.
And though I’m unemployed now
And probably approaching my doom
These words they will write on my tomb:
“His bedroom he loved.”
Filed under Poems
Remember The Instigators
Today we thank the eager few
Who gave their lives for me and you,
Who walked through fire, blood, and steel
Knowing well how it would feel,
Enduring all put in their path,
Both human fear and nature’s wrath.
They kept their word and walked the walk
‘Cause politicians wouldn’t talk.
Tomorrow we will thank the few,
Among their number maybe you,
Who stood their ground and bravely said
“We do not want our children dead.”
“We do not need what others own.
We welcome strangers to our home.
The cause of each and every war
Are those in whom our power we store.”
Today remember soldiers late
So those to come won’t share their fate.
There’ll be no “Those who came before”
When humankind says “no” to war.
Filed under Poems
Netflix and Shill
“You want to watch The Notebook?”
At 10:00 PM she wrote.
I smiled and typed “Is that the one
“With Kate Winslet and the boat?”
She said “Not exactly…”
And my brilliant retort
Was “Then who ends the movie
“By chasing the chick through the airport?”
Filed under Poems
: ) vs. 😀 – Still Better Than The Movie
If someone shows you their colon
You really ought to be hopin’
That the parentheses that follows it
Is closed rather than open. : )
——————————————————–
My top-three emojis on my phone
Are 🎆, ❤️, and 🤑.
I consider this proof I’m American.
Also (just to rhyme): 🐇
——————————————————–
Blue are the violets.
Red are the roses.
In this era of graphical innovation
Why do none of these 😀 have noses?
Filed under Poems
Subtitles Wa, Kawaii Desu
I watched American cartoons
All day every day.
My dad said I should read more
So now I watch anime.
Filed under Poems
Private Thoughts
If I were in the army
Instead of throwing grenades
I’d throw bottled beverages
Like juice and lemonades
And while our foes are hydrating
And their smiles reach their eyes
That’s when I’d throw my grenade.
#ElementOfSurprise
Filed under Poems
The New Theory Of Relativity
If you’re in the bathroom
And a minute passes by
You don’t even notice
That on the other side
The guy outside the bathroom
Has lived 100 years alone
In a near-death state while you
Read your email on your phone.
Filed under Poems
With All Due Respect…
You deprive me of my solitude
Yet loneliness remains.
I long for you as often
As a pinecone longs for chains.
I love you like the Jewish faith
Love bread with time to leaven
And I’d describe your sense of humor
As a pH of 11.
When, alas, my eyes are on you
I feel no sense of hesitation
That the prudent course of action
Is a quick defenestration.
You’ll never feel a lacking
Of the things you never knew
And I hope that everyone you meet
Are just as great as you!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 