We’ve finally reached the fated day
Where your date presents a resume
And you have to ask her in detail
About the gap in her experience as a female
Tag Archives: Poetry
Wisdom of the Elements
I roasted marshmallows on an open fire
And the poofed up soft and gold.
I roasted them over a vat of ice
And they sat unchanged. I’m told
That fire and ice are equals
And, while true, it must be said
That camping is better with fire than ice.
Now enlightened, go ye to bed.
Filed under Poems
When Rest Isn’t Restful
Thus the long weekend
Comes to a close.
We’ve done nothing for days
So why d’you suppose
We’re tired and cranky
And feeling frustration
And wanting time off
From our latest vacation?
Filed under Poems
French Geography, German Efficiency
There once was a limerick from Nice
That was astonishingly concise.
Filed under Poems
The Day God Made Africa?
And on the twenty-second day
God said “Let 99 men moisten the grass
“And the hundredth man you shall eschew”.
Even then it was widely known
That one hundred men or more
Could never dew.
Filed under Poems
Batman
There once was a comic detective
Who had a unique bat perspective.
He had gadgets and jokes
‘Til the Hollywood folks
Said “Do more, but the fun is defective.”
Filed under Poems
I’m Too Old For Lumps Or Finger Painting, But Maybe She’ll Hang This On Her Fridge Instead?
Today is my mother’s birthday.
Her birth did occur on this date.
In honor of her I caused this poem to occur
And published it moderately late.
Filed under Poems
Empathy Is For Other People
Sometimes I think I have a lot
Upon my figurative plate
Because I have so little time
And go to sleep too late
And then I see somebody
Working nineteen hours for minimal pay
And I go home just thinking
“What flavor pizza should I get today?”
Filed under Poems
Classic vs. Modern Openings
Some heroes wear capes;
Some villains wear capes too;
This is effectively the same poem as
“Roses are red, violets are blue.”
Dr. Strangelove 2, Or How The Bomb Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love Herself
I wanted to ask a guy to the prom
But alas I’m a thermonuclear bomb.
Were I to go out in a pretty pink dress
I’d make the whole world feel considerable stress
And instead of the dancing and sighing and kissing
Everyone would shout “Hey, there’s a warhead that’s missing”
And before I’d say “Chill guys, you’re all being dumb”
They’d put me back with the uranium.
And so in my bunker I cry and I dream
Of a man who will see me for more than I seem,
Who’ll sweep me away for one memorable night
Even though afterwards the world won’t be alright…
But maybe a man cannot make me complete
And instead I’ll be happy as radiant heat?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 