If your cat attacks you
It means he wants your love.
So does meowing, purring,
And leaping on you from above.
But if your cat ignores you
And poops in the flower bed
It means “Yeah sure, I love you
“But don’t let it go to your head.”
Tag Archives: Poetry
The NBA Breathes A Sigh Of Relief…
One upside of trans acceptance
Is that in ten years women’s sports
Will probably make a profit
Now that men are on the courts.
Filed under Poems
You’d Think He Was Arrested For Steel-ing… But No
I created a robot who creates electricity
By eating crackers. He’s chattery
But alas his social life was cut short
When he was charged with a saltine battery.
Filed under Poems
Is There A Saint Dick Or A Saint Mickey As Well?
I am the type of person
Who will see the pearly gates
And confess all my discretions
Where redemption thus awaits
Until forward steps St. Peter
And unto me he does declare
“I am Peter”, and I giggle
And am promptly sent “down there”.
Filed under Poems
Cowabunga, Dreamers!
If you ever think your ideas are stupid
Just remember films about turtles
Who are pizza-loving teenage ninjas named after renaissance artists
Made 1.2 billion dollars. How’s that for clearing hurtles?
Filed under Poems
Optimists
When life gives you lemons
You can politely decline,
Explaining “No thanks, I don’t like lemons”
And life will be like “Fine.”
Filed under Poems
Intermittent Fasting
Marketing has accomplished
Another monumental feat:
I see people saying “Pay us
“And in return, don’t eat.”
Filed under Poems
Are They Still Striking? I Hope So…
There once was a Hollywood guy
Who pretended to be an AI.
He wrote a great script
And the writer’s guild flipped.
If all films feel the same now, that’s why.
Filed under Poems
Never Gonna Give You Up
I left an item in a shopping cart
Seven years ago.
I still get advertisements to this day.
I wish I were so smart
That I could only know
How to make my hairline work that way.
Filed under Poems
Unhelpful Knowledge 101
Anyone who complains about math
Because they’ll never use it in real life
Has never memorized the periodic table
Or heard about saying “No” to your wife.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 