Those who take the roles
Of conducting political polls
Should receive an MD
In proctology
For their research in helping assholes.
Tag Archives: Postaday
The Last Jedi’s Valentine
A dozen roses can show your love
If flowers are what your love adores
But if you send a Rose Tico
You might accidentally kill Star Wars.
Filed under Poems
Guest Poem By Michael Bay
There once was a musclebound maverick
Who lived on a houseboat back east
Whose hobby was arm-wrestling pythons
And whose fingers’ tattoos spelled out “B.E.A.S.T.”
A menace that threatened America
Made the president call him to arms.
Then there was a gratuitous explosion
And a lot of red flashing alarms.
So Maverick emerged from retirement,
Shook hands with some buddies from ‘Nam
Then one more gratuitous explosion
This time from a nuclear bomb.
A scantily clad 20-something
Kissed Maverick and gave him a knife
After which he confronted the menace,
There was a gratuitous explosion…
Thus endeth the big bad guy’s life.
Somewhere in there’s a Bugatti
And a shirtless training montage.
You might think this doesn’t make sense,
Thus explosions and décolletage.
Filed under Poems
How To Write A Superbowl Ad
You start out with a robot
That’s been made with CGI
Who says one beer is best
With no compelling reason why.
Next you strip the advertisement
Of anything resembling humor
So you don’t provoke the many
With an “I’m Offended” tumor.
Then say “We love social justice
“So you should buy our calamari”
With the sincerity of a five-year-old
When they’re forced to say “I’m sorry.”
The result’s an advertisement
To appeal to a mob
That hates all corporations
But still needs them for their job.
I hope next year’s Sportsball expo
Doesn’t try to be so “woke”
And the 2020 vegans
Are prepared to take a joke.
Filed under Poems
Sincerely, God
There’s a billion folks in poverty.
A billion more are sick.
Every day a million innocents
Will fall for dirty tricks.
Homeless folks are freezing
And millions have no food
But you made a cross at halftime
So I’ve got you, football dude!
Filed under Poems
Al Capone, Libertarian
I ask you now to wonder
On the act of taking plunder
And on pirate-like behavior as a whole:
How does someone with a flag
Holding out a taxman’s bag
Compare to vagrants charging travelers a toll?
And what of other you’s and me’s
Traveling on the seven seas
When a Jolly Roger pulls their cannon out
And says “give us what you’ve got
“Or you’ll probably get shot.”
That’s what piracy and taxes are about!
Now sure, our brand of takers
Cheer beside you for the Lakers
And send you notes before they pull their gun
But they are not made less like Smeagol
Just because their theft is legal
And their pre-audit demeanor is more fun.
I’m not afraid to call BS
On our nation’s IRS.
Now excuse me, for I must go on the run.
If I’d Written This Ten Years Ago I’d Be A Prophet
As Booth did to Lincoln
And school did to fun
I fear that to music
Will quite soon be done.
If you flip the radio
(Or whichever app’s in now)
You’ll find to enunciate
Is practically sin now.
To play any chords
Besides 1, 5, 6, and 4
Makes the average listener
Call such songs a snore
And no matter the genre
You will find bits of rap.
Yes I fear that all music
Will soon become crap.
Is there a solution
To pop music’s decline?
If so, leave a comment.
If not, I’ll just whine.
Filed under Poems
[(e^ x pi)^2] x 32/8 Poems About Stephen Hawking
He inspired T-Pain’s voice
And Kristen Stewart’s face.
He inspired the customer service line
For JPMorgan Chase.
He’s inspired Chuck Norris’s costars
And how my face looks when I kiss.
He inspired Kaepernick’s anthem quote:
“I will not stand for this.”
——————————————————–
Stephen Hawking read a book
About how to improve his look.
A little rouge and some eyeliner…
He was a brief history of sublimer!
——————————————————–
If Stephen Hawking gained some weight
And higher mass increases gravitational pull
Would fat Stephen Hawking be more attractive?
(And you thought physics was dull)!
——————————————————–
Stephen Hawking lit himself on fire
To experience how burning feels.
He gained a greater understanding
And a new nickname: Hot Wheels
Filed under Poems
Gender Studies Major Seeking Employment
My IQ is 99.
My height is five-foot-three.
My GPA was 1.8
When I earned my PhD.
I’m not a total nincompoop,
Just a little slow.
If you ever need a nincompee
I’m free. Just let me know!
Filed under Poems
Storytelling, PhD Style
Once upon a time
There was a noncommittal grunt
That lurked within the throat
Of a rather stuck up… woman.
One day it emerged
And then vanished into thin air.
There’s some backstory and lore as well
But I figure you don’t care.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 