One day I decided to climb a tree
So I started at the trunk
Then dug and dug through moss and dirt
Until my shovel said “thunk”.
And so I climbed on down the roots
Until I hit a molten core
And now you know who they make signs
With helpful pictures for!
Filed under Poems
Today I was a prophetess
Who traveled with two mules
Slaying monsters o’er the realm
According to the rules.
I was struck down by a dwarf
After a clash of elder magic
Because I rolled the dice with death
And my results were tragic.
Four hours were by family spent
In quest for crown and glory.
After that, we ate pizza rolls
And thus endeth the story.
Filed under Poems
Men, you probably know by now
About romantic passion,
And how the ambiance before
Takes quite a bit to fashion.
One must say the secret words
To snare a woman’s heart
And have stamina and strength enough
To delay that tempting fart.
Tonight I learned another step
That our ancestors did
That promoted procreation:
They closed the piano keyboard lid.
Alas, I lacked their wisdom
And an Earth that might have shaken
Is now not more than legend
Thanks to the route the cat has taken.
Filed under Poems
I love how someone decided
That they could just combine
Two words and make another word
And act like it was fine.
So came about such portmanteaus
As “Sandpaper” and “Sweatshirt”,
And even though no harm was done
I’m feeling kind of butt-hurt.
And how come some compound words
Need to be hyphenated?
Like cross-eye, but not loveseat?
Is anyone else devastated?
Apparently the jury’s out
And no one cares but me.
I think I’ll solve this once and for all
By founding Germany.
Filed under Poems
Jared was still very small
When he saw cattle fall
Into a slumber, fast and deep.
With no reason or rhyme
Someone said “It’s pasture bedtime”
And so Jared went home and fell asleep.
Filed under Poems
“Anybody want some peas?”
Everyone said yes.
“Anyone want pewps?”
Perhaps next year, I guess…
Filed under Poems
Once upon a time
In a land of myth and ballad
Someone mixed a lot of plants
And called the result a salad.
Later, in Minnesota
Someone mixed mayonnaise
With literally anything at all
And said “Salad happens in many ways.”
Filed under Poems
If I could pick an animal
To switch bodies for a day
I think I’d pick a rattlesnake
Because I’d like to say
I gave the snake a chance to feel
What having limbs is like,
And as a bonus shake my ass
Before I rear and strike!
I’d like to be a rattlesnake
But more importantly
When I get my body back
People’d no longer mess with me.
Filed under Poems
Whatever you’ve heard, forget it!
Whatever you know, you don’t.
Everyone thinks they are brainy
But most of their brains grown’t.
Ignorance is epidemic.
No knowledge or sense can be common.
Now pay your tuition and fill out this form
And go back to your dorm and eat ramen.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 