He had wavy golden locks
That fell upon her shoulders
As he held her close with one arm
While the other parried boulders.
Behind them, a volcano
Spat hellfire in the air
But the hottest thing nearby was still
His chest, sweaty and bare.
An earthquake shook the lovers.
A tsunami got them wet,
But nature had no fury
To match their passion yet.
Then a tiny spider crawled
Across her silky bosom
Which quickly quelled the ardor
Of the trashy novel twosome.
Filed under Poems
There once was an Isle of Cat
Where the felines were wild and fat.
They all got along great,
Which is something cats hate,
So they ran away, and that was that.
Filed under Poems
I wanted inspiration
So I asked my girlfriend to tell
Me anything that starts with a”A”.
It didn’t go so well…
“Um… um…” my girlfriend mumbled
As I asked again, “What starts with A?”
Finally she said, slightly annoyed
“Anchovie.” Then she said “Okay.”
I asked her to say literally anything
And she replied again “Hm.”
Then she pretended she didn’t hear the question
And said “David! David! Bum.”
It didn’t make for a masterpiece
But she inspired this poem you’re reading.
Now I’ll let you get back to your life
And let mom get back to her beading.
Filed under Poems
If I had a nickel
For every time I lied
I would have zero cents
And a supermodel by my side.
I slipped on a banana
And fell on my butt
And it excited me
Because you know what?
Everyone told me “you’ll never
“Be yogurt” but I fought ‘em
And now look at me!
I’ve got fruit on the bottom!
Filed under Poems
If you were a mother and became a zombie
And started a life with you lil zombaby
Unlife would seem great when you lurch from the hearse
‘Til it’s time for the zombaby to nurse…
Filed under Poems
I love myself. I’m awesome.
I do, myself, amaze.
I really am incredible
In oh so many ways.
That’s why I decided
To buy myself a ring
And propose to myself romantically
While the doves of morning sing.
Alas, I’m so amazing
That I’m too good for me
So I turned down the proposal
And sobbed and said “Hehe.”
I am all distraught, and yet
I’m strong of will and mettle
Knowing that I’m great enough
To never, ever settle.
Filed under Poems
Socks suck!
That’s an absolute fact.
They make your feet sweaty
And fail to attract.
They’re itchy and tubular,
Brown, black, and white
But if paired with some sandals
I guess they’re alright…
Filed under Poems
Asians are little.
White people are bigger.
The next largest up
Would have to be the magnitude of panic in your eyes when I start reading this poem on the streets of any major city at night.
Filed under Poems
I heard a job ad this afternoon:
“Need a change in career?
“Get a class A CDL
“And drive a big rig here.”
The company that advertised
Was “Johnson’s Gas and Lubricant Shipping”
And I figured it was close enough
To my current job of stripping…
After all, I already know
How to handle giant hardware,
How to move lube on the night shift,
And stopping traffic isn’t rare.
I load cargo in the backdoor
And handle massive logs
And I’ve known my share of pigs
(As well as cows and dogs).
I’ve made a living dancing
But now I just can’t wait
To sit all day upon my butt
‘Cause I know my butt is great!
Filed under Poems
