If you’re afraid someone might think
That you’re sort of a d*ck
Then emulate the mainstream news
And use this little tr*ck
Wherein you take a common word
Like ch*cken, sn*ke, or d*sc
And replace one relevant l*tter
With a h*ndy asterisk!
N*body can blame you
Or say you’re being r*de
‘Cause words like f*ck and bullsh*t
Are not, in themselves cr*de.
Don’t w*rry about the fact
That you can read all this just f*ne:
What m*tters is that readers
Know you h*ven’t got a sp*ne.
Filed under Poems
If wishes were horses
The poor would ride.
If wishes were tigers
The poor would hide.
If wishes were wives
The poor would go fishing.
If wishes were were lawyers
I wish we’d quit wishing.
Filed under Poems
In the beginning the wolves roamed the wild
Just eating the grazers and sometimes a child.
Then some stupid human said “Fluffy! Yoohoo!”
And he started to breed them for me and for you.
The first were domestic and strong, fast and loyal,
A dog for the brave, whether peasant or royal.
They had names like “Fido,” “Apache,” and “Spike,”
And they pooped where they wanted and liked what they like.
But soon came some others, and not for the better:
They came with free handbags and even a sweater.
These dogs were called “Floofums,” “McTwinkle,” and “Cheese,”
And maybe they’ll sit if you nicely ask “Please?”
Soon we’ll have puppies the size of our phones
Who only chew vegan, soy, gluten-free bones,
And when we accept such weak canines as pets
We’ll know just how low our society gets.
Filed under Poems
If you’re opposed to kinky sex
Then you are very rude
Because you want everybody else
To get regularly screwed.
Filed under Poems
Private Johnson swam onto
The beach at Normandy.
I’ll not describe the horrors
Which that soldier had to see.
He killed opposing soldiers
Because command insisted.
Imagine how it would have been
If video games existed…
Filed under Poems
They’re always making movies
About how white culture sucks
‘Cause “white folks are all racist”
And therefor are sitting ducks
To being cast as villains
In movies about the first
All black [insert niche hobby] group.
Isn’t that just the worst?
So I want to make a movie
Set in ye olde Babylon
About the first non-Jewish folks
God didn’t inflict pain on,
Or how about the first straight white guy
Who stayed home to raise his kid
And all the crazy backlash
About the stuff that one guy did?
I’d even take, at this point,
A commercial for insurance
Where a man is dumb and so’s his wife
And you can make your own inference.
And maybe if we all work hard
We’ll live to see the day
That a white guy is selected
To be in the NBA.
Filed under Poems
Tonight I have no topics
To write a poem about…
But will that stop me? Never!
I’m shocked you’d ever doubt!
No force of man or nature
Can stop me writing junk.
As big tech corporations say:
“It’s a feature, not a funk.”
In fact, when I’m inspired
I might settle for one stanza
About something that sounds funny
Like Swaziland or Lufthansa.
But today, despite my lack
Of anything resembling a point
I wrote a lengthy poem
And if you don’t like it, suck my groint.
Filed under Poems
Why are classic songs just like,
“Songs just like,
“Songs just like?”
Why are classic songs just like
Repetitive and s**t?
Filed under Poems
He found the perfect woman
And he bought the perfect ring
And he planned a perfect marriage
For a perfect queen and king.
Together in the gardens
He knelt and asked, “Would you…?”
And she took a knee beside him
And they silently protested racial injustice in sports.
Filed under Poems
Jerry was snoring
In bed in New Hamphire.
“Zzz” was the sound from his head.
Gerald was snoring
In the Hampshire of olde,
And onlookers heard “Zedzedzed.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 