As a blogger, it’s satisfying
When I get a notification
That says a lot of people are viewing my site
And I check on the location
And see three-hundred thirty-seven
Views from Germany
And I know that for some reason
The spambots have chosen me.
Tag Archives: Spam
When You’re Sick Of Moderation, So You Let The CCP Do It For You
Have you heard about Tiananmen Square?
Well, in case you weren’t aware
China did some bad stuff.
I hope this limerick’s enough
To get Chinese spammers out of my hair.
Filed under Poems
Also, My Stepmom Is A Lot More Distant Now
I got tired of seeing ads
For beer and women’s shoes
So I installed an ad blocker
‘Cause what did I have to lose?
Soon my girlfriend Yui called
Saying, “Dave, you’re such a bore!”
I guess it’s my fault hot asians
Don’t want to date me anymore…
Filed under Poems
Best Wishes From Everything You’ve Ever Signed
I lay in bed one humid eve
When through the window came
A mysterious hooded figure
With neither face nor name.
He tied me to my bedframe,
Shaved my head and ate my food,
Downloaded my shopping preferences
And data about my mood.
He stole my cash and passwords
And he burned all my receipts
Then showed me banner advertisements
For Sprint and flannel sheets.
He listened to my phone calls
And sold recordings to Taiwan.
These unusual torments
Lasted all the way ’til dawn.
He changed my LinkedIn profile
And made me look inept,
Then left a calling card which said
“Read before you click Accept.”
Filed under Poems
Fishing Scams
I got a suspicious email
From Prince Magbar of Venezuasia
Saying “want to go fishing this Sunday?”
You can’t let emails like that faze ya.
I got another message
A week after the first.
“Dear friend, I must give you money
“Or I fear my spleen will burst.”
I finally blocked his messages
To no longer get that spam,
But only moments later
I questioned who I am
To deny a man with money-spleen
From going fishing with his dear friend.
I replied, guiltily, and we met by the lake
Where he tore out and ate my lungs. The end!
Filed under Poems
Last Time I Answer Spam…
I’m in a time vortex
In a failed experiment to get more sex.
Now I’m trapped in 2098 selling Goretex.
2017 could have gone better.
Filed under Poems
Thank Very Much For Financial Consideration
If I were a Nigerian prince
With a million bucks to spare
I’d buy all the world’s balloons
To fill with mountain air,
Then withhold them from the peasants
Instead of sending cash to you
‘Cause that’s a dick decision
And it’s what dictatorial princes do.
Filed under Poems
Thanks for Your Support (and Exclusive Offers)
I dedicate today’s poem
To all my followers and fans.
All of you are really very splendid.
You’re the remarkable few
On the internet who
Can read this stuff without being offended.
Without the lot of you
I’d have to read my own haiku
Which is something I’d probably despise,
And thanks to a special pair
Who comment here and there
My penis is sixteen times its original size.
Filed under Poems
Spam Has Feelings Too
Sure, I send love notes
To quite a long list
Of folks who viewed websites
Your firewall missed.
One day I’ll be Rachel,
Then April or Pam.
I’m whomever you like
If you check out my cam.
My purpose of being
Is simply to please.
I’ll make your face a colon
With a parantheses. 🙂
Sure I’m a robot,
But please don’t be irked.
I’ll love you like Siri
If she actually worked.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 