They say Jesus turned water into wine
But there’s an alternative guess I see:
I think Jesus was the inventor of Kool-Aid
But hadn’t perfected the recipe.
Tag Archives: Stupid
Predicting the Future
The year was 2055
And Disney was somehow still alive.
Their greatest writer stood and said
“What if Black Panther was white instead?”
And coast to coast the people caved
As bloggers whined and critics raved
And I, at 60 years, just sat
Rewatching Shrek, and that was that.
Filed under Poems
When The Next Covid Hits
There’s a zombie in the basement
And a dozen in the alley
And the news says they are spreading
Through the mountain and the valley,
Just a moaning and a eating
Brains and animals galore.
From sea to shining sea’s awash
With tears and sweat and gore.
And here I am in slippers
Eating chili and having a snooze
Because I had the foresight
To then off the evening news.
Filed under Poems
America’s Great Mistake
Wild turkey
Powerful majestic bird
Bald eagles are overrated
Turkeys are tasty
And kind
Filed under Poems
If Only We Were Still Wearing Masks…
The bird flu killed my chicken.
It killed my brother’s duck.
I heard a peacock died as well
With just a sickly cluck.
The price of eggs is rising
But what worries me even more
Is how when all the planes die
Plane ticket costs will soar.
Filed under Poems
How Kids Tell Stories
‘Twas a Wednesday like any other
Except the part where mother
Put our pet fish in a tank
And then the army came
To get their tank back
And also the part with the lizards…
My favorite color is orange.
Attack of the Alabaster Basil from the planet Flaccidpookum (Or Why Originality Is Not As Important As You Think)
It was a normal day in the white house,
Or so President Smellingsalt thought…
Until the sky opened and blood rained down
Like the street corner prophets were taught
And a sprig of an herb, aromatic and pale
Smote the Earth and declared “I’m your master!”
And the humans proclaimed, “Oh no! What the heck!
“It’s basil that’s somehow Alabaster!”
And the basil proclaimed from celestial height
“Yes, people of Earth. Your statement is right!”
But what happened next to the humans did shook ‘em…
The basil declared “I am from Flaccidpookum!”
After that day life was largely the same
Except people drank a lot more hoppy beers.
The saddest part is this poem’s more original
Than anything Hollywood’s made for the past dozen years.
Filed under Poems
JK Rowling Be Like…
If “I want women to be safe from men”
Is good to believe, please answer this then:
Why’s “I want women to be safe from men wearing dresses”
Causing so many social media messes?
Filed under Poems
That Was Almost Disastrous!
I found world peace on Amazon
For $15.99.
It promised a world without conflict
Where everyone feels fine,
Without racism, bigotry,
Or hate of any type
And it had all five-star reviews
That said “It’s worth the hype!”
I put it in my shopping cart
And then, with horror, saw
They charged $10 bucks for shipping
So instead I bought martial law.
Filed under Poems
But Which Has More Hot Air
There once was a balloon from China
That flew over North Carolina.
Some guy shot it down
And earned more renown
Than president Joe the Mangina.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 