If I had a pet stegosaurus
I think I would name it Boris
And until someone finked
That he was extinct
My family would really adore us.
Tag Archives: Travesty
Coming Soon To A Kindergarten Near You
There once was a five-year-old child
Who was happy, and ran somewhat wild.
This continued unabated
Because the child wasn’t medicated
And thus several lawsuits were filed.
Filed under Poems
I Started Writing This Poem In Real Time As We Tried To Watch A Movie, And ai Committed Way Too Hard To The Gimmick…
Portable DVD player
Why are you useless?
You should make life easier
But instead cause us stress.
I wish I could shoot you
In the face with a gun
But you don’t even have a face…
Another reason you’re no fun.
I’m writing this ode to you
As a professional IT person
Tries to make you work at all
Yet the situation does still worsen.
You are naughty, bad, and stupid
And a big mean jerk
But I’d rescind those judgements
If you’d just freakin’ work.
A part of me is fearful now
This poem will not end
Because you are our tech enemy
And not our entertainment friend.
Don’t you see the pain you’re causing
Readers of this blog?
All this to watch a DVD…
What a somber slog.
I would skip ahead in time
To tell you how this ends
But if we made a graph of progress
And analyzed the line of trends
I think the universe would end
In heat death before long
So just sing this poem over and over
Like the 99 bottles of beer song.
Filed under Poems
Is It The Tail?
Horsey horsey, riding in circles,
Pooping and snorting and chewing on grass.
Horsey horsey, tired of people
Comparing each other to your lovely ass.
Horsey horsey, with shoes made of metal,
Hair on your neck, your face, and your butt.
For some reason women all seem to love you
You’ve something I don’t, but I can’t think of what…
Filed under Poems
Everything’s Better With Blankets
Everything’s better with blankets!;
That’s an objective fact!
If someone says “No thanks, I’m good”
Something in their brain has cracked.
Everything’s better with blankets
Because they are fuzzy and warm.
You have one when born, as a kid, and so on
Until you move into a dorm.
Whether a fleece or a quilt or a sheet
Or a comforter or a duvet
A blanket inspired the doer of everything
To say an emphatic “Yay!”
Everything’s better with blankets
And that’s the precise reason why
You should never ask me what is
The secret ingredient in my pie.
Filed under Poems
Last Night’s Bad Decisions Lead To… Not Exactly Redemption
Whenever a poem begins with “tonight”
You pretty much know it’s no good
So this morning I’m writing early
Because I figure I should.
The problem is autobiographical poems
Are also universally mediocre
So maybe instead of being a poet
I should take up professional poker?
Filed under Poems
Subverting Expectations
Tonight events happened that occupied time
And now I must sleep and dream of a mime.
I probably won’t, but it goes to show
I don’t always rhyme “time” with “rhyme”, my bro.
Filed under Poems
Perhaps The Most Extraordinarily Literal Poem Ever
Tonight, I lay in bed and rest
So tomorrow I can make a quest
Southward past the Emerald City
Where law enforcement’s really shitty.
I’m going there to see my girl,
Upon whom all my thoughts do swirl.
We’re working on my latest book
And soon you’ll get an early look!
So yeah, that’s all I have to say…
Just a life update and marketing play.
She is great and so are you
And now I need to sleep. Yahoo!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
In Other News, How Did 10:53 Become “Late”?
There once was a poet in bed
With ideas flush in his head,
But he stayed ip too late
And, as was his fate,
He dashed down a limerick instead.
Filed under Poems
True Stories from a Man’s Kitchen
Today I made some cheesecake
That I got from a mix.
I mixed a lime and whipping cream
With several cream cheese sticks,
But when I picked the mixer
To taste the final yum
I realized I forgot to add the mix
And yes, I’m really that dumb!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 