I sleep on a bed of money
But still no one respects me
‘Cause I pay my bills with tiny beds
As my conscience directs me.
Tag Archives: Travesty
Happy Valentine’s Everyone!
Today I’m writing poems
To folks I’ve never met
Because the woman that I love
Has not existed yet.
Why I am alone tonight
I surely understand,
But no man can be lonely
When he has his own right hand.
Filed under Poems
Cowboy Boots
Somebody said: Let’s make a shoe
That doesn’t have to be tied,
That you can wear for a night on the town
Or when on a horse you ride
That’s made from an alligator’s flesh
And comes with loud, stabby heels,
Plus make it the only kind of shoe
For which there are no online deals!
Filed under Poems
Nursing Home Rhymes
I’ve got dandruff on my shins…
That’s not where it goes!
Know I need some Head and Shoulders
For between my knees and toes.
——————————————————–
To get 8 hours of sleep at night
I do whatever it takes,
By which I mean taking 10-minute naps
Between my bathroom breaks.
——————————————————–
Twinkle twinkle little star
Way above my little car,
Shining in my optic nerve
Making me violently swerve.
Twinkle twinkle little star
On the badge of officer Barr.
I sang him “YMCA.”
Why’d he take my license away?
Twinkle twinkle little star…
Crap, I left my teeth in the car!
Filed under Poems
Celebrity Weddings
With persiflage they pledged
To be true what was alleged.
With mockery they both
Laid down their sacred oath.
She had money on the mind;
He had eyes on her behind.
Thus, with one all-sealing kiss
Began six days of wedded bliss.
Filed under Poems
This Is Why Blueberry And Strawberry Yogurt Are Popular
Men want to talk about grape yogurt.
Women want to talk about patriarchy.
Men like talking about grape culture.
Feminists dislike the letter “G.”
Filed under Poems
Hoof You Been Talkin’ To?
I saw horses running
With humans on their backs.
I said, “Now there’s an animal
“We’ve not made into snacks.
“They’re gorgeous and majestic
“And possess a lightning speed,”
But the one kid eating glue
Silently disagreed.
Filed under Poems
Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
That dress is fine
For cosplaying Shamu.
Filed under Poems
Baby’s First Gangsta Rap
I hit my brother
And hit my mother.
It was not okay.
They said “Don’t hit.”
I said “No shit”
And hit them anyway.
Cops saw the fight,
Turned on their light,
And hit me in the gut.
So hitting’s okay
With the government’s say?
And I was all like “Wut?”
I hit the cop
And hit my pop
With my inflatable hammer.
They cuffed my wrists
To stop my fists
And shut me in the slammer.
I was in jail
‘Cause no one paid bail
And was charged in juvenile court.
I can’t write a sentence
But I’ll attempt repentance
And maybe build a fort.
Filed under Poems
