If you want to speak Italian
Your posture is important.
Here is how you need to hold your body:
Start by touching all your fingers
To the thumb on that same hand
Then put your hand up in the air and shout “Bugatti!”
Now imitate this gesture
And speak your native language.
I hope this poem has taught you a lotti!
Filed under Poems
If you gave a guy from Zimbabwe
A billion dollars cash
He could buy a whole lot of cattle
And a man with a lot of cattle is rich,
But if you give an American guy
A billion dollars worth of cattle
He can send his enemies cow poop
For the rest of his life,
So who’s the real winner?
Filed under Poems
I don’t call you “sir” ’cause I hate you.
I don’t call you “ma’am” to be a bigot.
I use words 99.4 percent of people
Will prefer to be called. Can you dig it?
Filed under Poems
When I hear Disney the Almighty
Makes a movie about Aphrodite
And Tom Selleck’s the star
(And it isn’t subpar)
Then I’ll sigh and perhaps say alrighty.”
——————————————————–
If I want to be Samuel L. Jackson
For Halloween, I cannot.
I can’t on the basis
That blackface is racist,
Or at least that is what I was taught.
But when Marvel takes a Norse God
And make him a random white chick
That’s not a slight
‘Cause he’s already white
And why can’t a Norse God lack a dick?
——————————————————–
When someone signals virtue
But obviously have none
Why don’t we call their bluff?
I know I have had enough.
Signed, a white guy with a gun.
Filed under Poems
If you get mugged in central park
And think it isn’t fair
Just call it a “mandatory donation
“To ensuring criminal welfare.”
Filed under Poems
Onions are the only things
That make their murderers cry.
We should all wear clothes made of onions
And all murder would go bye-bye.
Filed under Poems
I said “I’m learning Spanish
“‘Cause I fear soon it will be vital.”
She said “I’m learning Japanese
“To watch anime without subtitles.”
He said “I’m learning German
“Because I hate punctuation.”
Zhe said “I’m learning Gaelic
“Cause I’m a man who wants to experience menstruation.”
Filed under Poems
If you give a million tiny dollars
To a your own voodoo doll
Do you get full sized money?
To try, give me a call!
Filed under Poems
I took me out to a ball game,
Alas, to one with a crowd.
There they sold peanuts and alcohol
‘Cause Cracker Jack’s racist and traditional.
There I learned baseball tactics
And how to play the game right
From a screaming drunk woman
Who looked like a dark alley at night.
“Hit the ball!” Was her opener.
“Throw a strike” later came.
Then was “Make people stop not getting out
“And you’ll win the whole (censored) game!”
It turns out this lady’s cheerleading
Did lead the home team to win
So if you’re still an Orioles fan
Bud Light’s a good place to begin.
Filed under Poems
If you weigh 400 pounds
And sit beside me on a plane
I do not hate you as a person
But I still think you’re a pain.
If you say “fuck” like girls say “like”
And I am with my 6-year-old
I do not hate you as a person
But I hope you die before you’re old.
If you blast rap at 1:00 AM
And I wake up for work at 5:00
I do not hate you as a person
But I do wish you were not alive.
If you recast my favorite film
And the final movie turns out bad
I do not hate the cast or crew
But the fact remains I feel sad,
So if my feeling isn’t yours
‘Cause you are you and I am me
It doesn’t mean I hate your guts;
I dislike you with empathy.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 