Sometimes it feels like I’m being watched
By malevolent eyes in in some way.
Then I take off my shirt and pop pimples
And the feeling usually goes away.
Tag Archives: Travesty
Whoopee!
Once in a while you pass something
That forever changes your life,
That frees you from discomfort
And gastronomic strife.
They come without much fanfare,
Just a single tiny toot,
And you don’t even mind
If the air they do pollute.
Every once in a while
You don’t know what to do
‘Til something in your gut
Will take the lead for you
And the winds that held you back
Now are broken. All is well.
All those who never knew you
Ask “who’s that?” And “what’s that smell?”
Did you ever know that you’re my hero,
The reason why my intestine sings?
All cheese I cut is for your glory!
You pass the wind beneath my wings.
Filed under Poems
Honestly, Every Baby Name After 2007 Though…
I feel for baby Adolfs,
Judases, Atillas,
Who had to live entire lives
Proving they’re just vanillas
Instead of evil Hall-of-Famers
Whose names they now must share.
On the other hand, how ’bout some killers
Named Peyton, Taylor, Weston, or Blair?
Filed under Poems
Dream Jobs
When I was a baby
I went to a farm
And learned about the origins of milk.
I was curious and asked
What happens if you’re tasked
With squeezing udders of the masculine cow’s ilk.
And when farmers laughed
And the parents cringed
I knew I’d stumbled on something good
And I knew when I grew up
I would be an artificial inseminator
Whether or not I really ought or should.
Filed under Poems
The Honest Politician’s Prayer
I am a tree without a trunk,
A neck without a spine,
A car without a chassis,
A roller coaster with no line.
I’m an eskimo in Florida,
Someone humble in LA.
You’ve probably never seen me
And it’ll probably stay that way.
Filed under Poems
New Perspectives
I once went to a market
For groceries I would buy
When a most unpleasant sight
Fell upon my naive eye.
I can only picture
What occurred before I came
As if the homeless had played poker
And they all had lost the game,
For beside the sidewalk entrance
Underneath the neon sign
Were a hundred empty carts
Neatly tucked into a line.
Somewhere in the city
There are those who’ve lost there way
So I beg you, steal back their carts
For justice! (Please obey)
Filed under Poems
Thank You! I’ll Be Here All Night
I’ve got another story
That I thought I’d share with you
And unlike most of my others
This one is completely true.
I’m stuck in traffic, driving
Down through Portland, OR.
At one time people thought “let’s go”
But apparently not anymore.
We’re driving behind a Tesla
With a vanity plate
That reads “UNSTPBL.”
Its driver I do hate.
I know most folks are decent
But my opinion’s going askew
Thanks to Mr. 100K a year
Who has 15 IQ.
I could probably go on longer,
And (we’ll see) perhaps I might.
I’ve got 400 miles ’til I get home
And that’s a lot of night.
I’m glad I don’t live in LA,
New York, or Portland too,
But if you’ve got a book I can sign
Come to I-5 exit 242.
Filed under Poems
But It Makes One Bicep Look Bigger…
Some of you may believe
That I wear my heart on my sleeve
As a matter of choice,
But don’t heed that voice.
There was a surgeon who’s since taken his leave…
Filed under Poems
An Only-Somewhat-Exaggerated Tale Of Today (Dedicated To Seth)
Today I drove a thousand miles
From WA to San Jose,
With a bunch of flaming morons
Tailgating me the whole way,
Weaving through the traffic
Like quilters yearning for death
All behind a mini cooper
Going 20 (License Plate: IMSETH).
As I recline, safe somehow,
On my Californian bed
A realization formed inside
My woeful weary head.
I-5 South, the freeway
A thousand miles through crazyville
Should better be renamed
The route of all evil.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 