I saw a guy driving today
Who had a sign in their back window:
“Please stay back,
“New stick shift driver.”
I’m putting that in the back window
Of every car I buy
From this day forward.
Tag Archives: True Story
When A Kid Asks “Why Is Money Good?”
If you write someone a check
For $20.42
You’re basically giving them
A fancy IOU
That they can take to any bank
And swap for coins and bills
Which are, themselves, just IOUs
From folks on capital hill.
You can use these IOUs
To buy treasury bonds
Which are IOUs that pay you cash
Just for holding on.
If you cash these IOUs
You’ll find, in fact, you can’t
Because they’re just as meaningless
As the average Facebook rant,
But if you give them to your friends
Or drop them from the sky
You’ll become an instant hero.
Now do you regret asking “Why?”
Filed under Poems
Cleatus Joins Facebook
I tried usin’ logic
On a lib’ral feller.
It was like throwin’ a flashbang
At Ms. Helen Keller.
Filed under Poems
My Limerick Live-Stream
There once was a poet from WA
Who flew this morning to CA.
He rode in car
And it’s been good so far.
Also, he’s tired. HaHA!
Filed under Poems
My Friday Night
I took me out to a ball game,
Alas, to one with a crowd.
There they sold peanuts and alcohol
‘Cause Cracker Jack’s racist and traditional.
There I learned baseball tactics
And how to play the game right
From a screaming drunk woman
Who looked like a dark alley at night.
“Hit the ball!” Was her opener.
“Throw a strike” later came.
Then was “Make people stop not getting out
“And you’ll win the whole (censored) game!”
It turns out this lady’s cheerleading
Did lead the home team to win
So if you’re still an Orioles fan
Bud Light’s a good place to begin.
Filed under Poems
Sorry Europe, South America, And Basically Everywhere Else, But You Have Terrible Taste
There’s an argument in the USA
About soccer teams and equal pay
‘Cause men got paid more overall
Despite the women winning all the way.
The other side of this tirade
Says the male players are underpaid
Because the revenue their team produced
Was 55 times more than the women’s team made.
Now how revenue or standings weigh
On the importance scale I can’t say.
The real question is, in 2019,
Why won’t this stupid sport just go away?
A Historically Accurate Transcription Of Events Preceding The Invention Of The Microwave Oven
In 1920 some guy said
“A thought just poppethed into mine head.”
His peer responded “Tell me sir,
“What thought does cause thine brain to stir?”
Some guy then said, in a manner quite prickly,
“What if I had a box that heated food quickly?”
His peer replied “Your thought is bold,
“But how about heating the plate and leaving the food cold?”
Filed under Poems
The Hero We Deserve
I hope somewhere there is a bat
Who’s terrified of men
Who flew off to train with ninjas
And (insert syllables here) then
He became a vigilante
Fighting crime and stuff like that.
He holes up in his man cave
Because he’s called Manbat.
He wears a man-shaped costume
With a cape that’s shaped like fat.
The drives his manmobile badly
Because he is a bat.
I want this very badly
Mostly ’cause of the “man cave” pun.
His sidekick is called Flamingo
And yes, this poem is done.
Filed under Poems
Autobiography, Chapter 1
Writing lousy poems
Is really not that hard.
It doesn’t take a lot of work
To be a blogging bard.
The only bit that’s difficult
Is deciding what to write,
Thus my meta-poetry
At 10 o’clock at night.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 