My fellow Americans
I stand before you today
To declare my intention to run
For president of the USA.
If I am elected
I promise to unite
A country that’s divided
Between the left and right.
Speaking of right, my campaign is sponsored
By Google Energy Drink.
It’s made with all of your favorite flavors
Because data showed us how you think.
Consume three cans of GED a day
Or we’ll share your browser history.
But back to how I’ll save our nation…
Find out tonight at 10:00 on History!
Filed under Poems
No matter the size of our brains
Or the density of our bums
All humans are united in knowing
That buttocks can double as bongo drums.
Filed under Poems
Thus the long weekend
Comes to a close.
We’ve done nothing for days
So why d’you suppose
We’re tired and cranky
And feeling frustration
And wanting time off
From our latest vacation?
Filed under Poems
Some heroes wear capes;
Some villains wear capes too;
This is effectively the same poem as
“Roses are red, violets are blue.”
I found a fun video game
That simulates many ways to die.
The designers overlooked the simple fact
That survival means I’d have to try.
Filed under Poems
I accidentally deleted
My browser history
And yet the pages I visit
Show the same ads to me
About the things I’ve talked about
But never searched online
So forgive we while I move under this rock
And live there… I’ll be fine.
Filed under Poems
If I had breath like Godzilla
And my sneeze were a nuclear blast
I still wouldn’t like playing kickball
But at least I’d get picked before last.
Filed under Poems
I’m not sure which is better:
That Hollywood is on strike
Because computers can do their job better
And that they do not like
And now we won’t have any more
Reboots, remakes, or sequels?
Or that we finally see mindless machines
As movie writers’ equals?
Filed under Poems
It is a truth we find self-evident
That the people who make the laws
Are the type to drink turtle smoothies
With biodegradable straws.
Filed under Poems
Her epic trapper spidey
Killed my supersonic bat-dragon.
Apparently the divorce is off
And we’re back to love and naggin’!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 