Why’d the first flamingo think
“I’ll be flightless, awkward, pink?”
How’d the first hippo decide
To be as tall as it was wide?
Why did the first jackass choose
That name as the one to use?
You may wonder, so here’s a clue:
They all wanted to be like you!
Filed under Poems
When one says “I must be dreaming”
(Implying you’re something they snoozed)
You should slap them with a chicken
Just to make them more confused.
An alligator also works
But they’re tougher to hide.
Also, if you’re sleepy and poultry-phobic
I find it’s best to stay inside.
Filed under Poems
As my eyes met the tape measure
I felt the fire rear up in my heart
And I knew that in the future
I could measure
In metric or imperial units
How high those heart-flames soared.
Some people mocked my passion,
Said I’m weird for longing
To know how long my longing was,
But I say its better than being bored.
When I feel that need to now how I feel
And I pull out that flexible metal bar
And with each box, each wall I measure
The heavens ring with a music
Only it and I can hear,
A cord’s secret chord.
And somewhere in that tape measure
That sings our hidden music
I hope its heart is happy
Knowing my pocket will be its home
And gone are the days
When its passions were ignored.
Filed under Poems
If you are an amputee
Does your erotic preference change
To match your physicality,
Or is my asking that just strange?
The reason that I ask
Is that I want to get
The web domain StumpHump.com…
Is that something I may regret?
Filed under Poems
If wishes were fishes
We’d eat way more trout,
If thoughts were diplomas
We’d have much more clout,
If logic were clothing
We’d mostly be nude,
But if teardrops were onions
We’d really be screwed.
Filed under Poems
Your face in my vision
With such precision,
A sight I’ll never forget;
How your eyes met mine
At 12:09…
The feeling’s not left me yet.
I realized two truths
That night in Duluth
As to your house we started walking:
The telescope seller was good,
I fall when hit by a block of wood,
And legally my actions could be called “stalking.”
Filed under Poems
If I were a sniper
And also a duck
I’d rely on my training
And also my pluck
To take out a target
In one master stroke.
I’d let out a quack
When I see the guy croak.
Being a duck sniper
Some might call “fowl.”
But I could wear camo makeup
And maybe a cowl.
But alas I was born
With a bad lot of luck;
I could still be a sniper
But never a duck…
Filed under Poems
Well the Honky-Tonks in Portland
Are heaven’s gift to me.
They’ll pour you out a microbrew
Called “stop animal cruelty.”
The bartender’s named “Yoga Matt.”
The piano man plays celeste.
Well, no, it’s not quite Texas
But Portland-Tonk’s the best.
They’ll serve you soymilk eggnog
Or an extra strong chai tea.
You can get your whiskey straight
Or LGQBT.
You can dance all night to new classics,
Maybe find yourself a dame.
It might be a guy but you don’t mind
‘Cause they all dress the same.
You needn’t fear a gunfight
‘Cause they’re gun-free zones.
If someone micro-aggresses you
You just tweet it and go home.
So come next Friday evening
You can braid your hair and beard
And come on down to Portland.
They’re non-gender-specific kings of weird!
Filed under Poems
They said in school that GDP
(Or Gross Domestic Product)
Was a measure of economic power.
But this makes more sense to me
(For Gross Domestic Product).
Please excuse me as I go take a shower.
Filed under Poems
This morning I woke up in Heaven
In my bed at 10:43.
The sun glowed gold. I smiled
And your face smiled back at me.
The coffee and breakfast was ready
With a whole day to spend with my queen.
I looked back at your face and realized
Your body was nowhere to be seen.
Turns out to awaken in Heaven
Is not always as nice as it seems,
Or so I discovered when angels
Began to harmonize songs with my screams.
As I woke back on Earth to the thunder
All pale, sweaty, cold, and alone
I realized Heaven’s got its downsides
And sometimes there’s no place like home.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 