They say white men can’t dunk
But neither can a skunk.
Checkmate, punk…
Or so I thunk.
Turns out a chunk
Of white guys don’t stunk
But make the backboard clunk.
Word.
Category Archives: Poems
I Was Going To Have A Punchline About Skin Cancer, But This Might Be Even Worse
The sun is hot and bright today
And shared with me a warming ray
That made my pale indoor body
Turn pink and gold and very gaudy.
No matter how it made me feel
In a week that flesh will puff and peel
And I can throw the flesh that peels
At passerby. How good it feels!
Filed under Poems
Stuff People Like
Cars and sports and guns and sports
And balls and boobs and mustard:
These (plus sports) are what guys like;
Other stuff makes them flustered.
I would write another poem
About what women like too
But they just can’t even anymore
And if you don’t know, they won’t tell you.
Filed under Poems
Stereotypes Are Real
Somebody’s been murdered!
Their corpse was found today
And all the head detectives
Are off on holiday.
The backup sleuths are gumshoing
Where the corpses spine met cutlery
And I’m here, full of regret
At my choice to take up butlery…
Filed under Poems
The Rat Slayer’s Lament
Tonight I was a mighty warrior
Slinging balls of fire,
Casting down the many foes
Both minionesque and dire.
I spewed death from every pore
And slayed the vermin foul,
But when I leave the tavern’s basement
I throw in the towel.
Filed under Poems
Bowling
Bowling balls are very hard
And also very round.
When they strike the bowling line
They make a smacky sound,
And when the balls crash into all
The pretty pear-shaped pins
The guy who threw the ball says “whee”
And everybody grins.
Bowling balls have lots of holes
To slide onto your fingers
And when the game is over with
The happy feeling lingers.
You have to wear some public shoes
But that’s okay, I guess.
Bowling’s basically like sex
But doesn’t make a mess!
Filed under Poems
I’ve Got Bread, Plenty Of Dough, I Bring Home The Bacon, And Yet…
I have a six pack
Of orange creamsicles.
I have 12 inches
Of beef jerky sticks.
I go all night
When I chew my dill pickles,
And somehow I can’t seem
To pick up the chicks…
Filed under Poems
If You’re Reading This Enthusiastically, You’re Missing The Point
Happy happy happy.
Joy joy joy.
Yippee yippee yippee.
Oh boy oh boy oh boy.
I can’t wait. I’m excited.
I’m overwhelmed with wow.
If you think exclamation marks are dumb
You do not think so now.
Filed under Poems
Seriously, When Was The Last Time You Went To The Movies And Enjoyed It?
Someone in Hollywood decided
“What if instead of crappy flicks
“We badly remade everything people love
“And when they complain, say that they’re dicks?”
Everyone outside Hollywood
Disliked this judgement call,
But on the bright side, now people
See that books aren’t that bad after all.
Filed under Poems
Why I Love The 4th of July, Middle School Boy Edition
If not for British taxes
And the redcoats being weenies
We might not have these fireworks
And Stars-and-Stripes bikinis,
So I for one am grateful
For wigs and wasted tea
‘Cause now there’s baseball, big buffets,
And other big things that start with “B”.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 