Today’s a day we celebrate
The people with whom we mate
Buy buying chocolates that are nice
Because they cost double the price.
Then we go to crowded rooms
Filled with too many perfumes
And tip the waitresses a lot
‘Cause we know they’re single and also hot
And then we go back to our homes
And read our lovely ladies poems,
We do this, or else we fear
That we won’t get laid again this year.
Filed under Poems
There once were some sheep from LA
And a tiger got in their way.
In most cases, the cat
Would go “chomp” and that’s that
But alas, that did not work today.
Filed under Poems
I was looking at the stats today
For readers of my stuff;
India, Finland, and Singapore
Apparently love my fluff!
While those three all have “IN”
Somewhere within their name
They otherwise appear to have
Very little that is the same.
So to the folks in India,
Finland, and Singapore
Please accept my gratitude
And if there is a war
Know you have unlikely allies
Bonded by your hearts
That share appreciation
For the mediocre arts.
Filed under Poems
So today my poem
Is autobiographical,
But that doesn’t mean it’s boring
Nor that it is bull…
I got up at 6:00 AM
And worked for 9 long hours,
After which I got undressed
For three back-to-back showers.
During shower number three
My brain turned on a sec
And instead of thinking, “Ooh, warm water”
It thought “Oh shoot! Oh heck!
“I was supposed to take a test
“That’s due at 5:00 PM!”
It thus proceeded to haw
And also, a bit, to hem.
Well, I expect to get a C
In the class who test I missed,
But instead of being angry, angsty,
Nervous, sad, or pissed
I decided to look on
The sunny side of life:
I know my dreams can come true now!
Now who’s that with my wife…?
Filed under Poems
When I was a younger child
I couldn’t help but feel
That, in my life, dalmatians
Would be a significantly bigger deal.
Filed under Poems
The hard drugs are named things
Like heroin and crack
And there are more I don’t know
‘Cause I’m white as a Mac.
Other drugs have names
Like Clopidogrel
So if you’re not sure if a drug’s “hard”
That’s one way to tell.
Filed under Poems
I believe my destiny
Has been chosen just for me
By the position of the stars
And maybe too the moon and Mars
On the day that I was born,
But alas now I am torn
Because one newspaper said
“Watch out for someone who’s not dead”
While another warned me that
“You’ll meet someone that wears a hat.”
What am I supposed to do?
Watch for the hatted and the living too?
So many truths, I am forlorn!
Such woe is mine, a Capricorn.
Filed under Poems
I think that Jesus didn’t have children
Because if he had children then
He’d make them sandwiches, but they’d complain
“Daaad… pastrami and rise again?”
—————————————————————
On the other hand, Moses was famous
For his sandwiches. That’s what I hear.
In fact, back in Egypt I heard he was voted
The Nigev desert’s manna the year.
Filed under Poems
Steve the alligator
Looked at the lemon rind
That, squeezed out and discarded,
In the swamp he did find.
The lemon said “Life gave me
“And thus did I die,
“So I warn you dear gator
“That your time is nigh.”
Filed under Poems
Today we gather to commemorate
A platform that we grew to hate,
Whose motto is “Give us a buck
“And we’ll distribute it to whoever the”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 