“An apple a day
“Keeps the doctor away,”
Or so my mama said.
“You’ve got no cash
“So you’ll soon turn to ash,”
Is what doctors say instead.
Category Archives: Poems
Famous Last Words from History
Long ago, when Earth was young
And Blockbuster was a thing
My girlfriend wanted me to find
A Pixar film to bring
So we might watch a family film
Where balloons can lift a house
Because we already saw the ones
With Toys and the gourmet mouse.
So I left home that evening
O’er icy roads to see
If the Blockbuster Video
Would rent us ‘Up’ on DVD.
All was fine at first
Until I parked and stepped outside
At which point I took quite a spill
And eventually I died…
My final act was calling
My beloved on my cell
As I saw the tunnel fill with light
And started off to Hell:
“Hey honey, this is Jeremy.
“You’d best put down your cup.
“I just wanted to let you know
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get ‘Up.'”
Filed under Poems
One Night, But There’s No Standing
She stands tall and beautiful,
Symmetrical and brown.
Little did I know my touch
Will bring her crashing down.
Everyone around her stares
In silence, tense and fun
And I know I must reach out
And be her only one.
I know not where to try my luck,
So I start with her feet
Then move attention to her head,
The first trial complete.
Still she stands, but shaken
By the change in her I’ve wrought.
My hands keep going back to her
Despite how hard I fought.
All through the night I push and pull
And hope that I could change her,
But it is I who lost my nerve
Amidst an air of danger.
I thought I’d stand so tall and proud
And thought she’d do the same.
Alas, together we collapse;
Thus ends the Jenga game.
Filed under Poems
Be Me At 11:49
There once was a poet from here
Who enjoyed quite a bit of good cheer.
He ran out of time
To make comedy rhyme
But I’ll be better soon, never fear!
Filed under Poems
Self-Portrait as Crappy Little Beach
It’s forty-seven Fahrenheit;
The sky and I are gray.
No one smart will sunbathe nude
On my poor sand today.
The waves are lapping loudly
Redefining what I am:
I’m a crappy little beach
In a town called Bellingham.
Observing me are humans,
Ages 3 to ninety-five
And a pair of lazy seagulls
Simply glad to be alive.
My face is made of footprints
Carved from mud and little feet
And a single tiny castle
Built in days when there was heat.
A single browning leaf still flies
Above the tiny moat,
Unnoticed by the passerby
Who try not to emote.
Beside me are some benches
With some names carved on their backs
Of love too poor or humble
To be featured on the plaques.
A lovely woman sits on me
With eyes locked on her phone,
Avoiding passing glances
Though she’s scared to be alone.
I’m here in every season
And I listen when you talk,
Supporting you in silence
As upon my back you walk.
I’ll be here with the sunset
And I’ll welcome you at dawn.
I’m a crappy little beach
Here until you’re long since gone.
Filed under Poems
Identity Crisis
Once a boy wondered if it was okay
That he wanted to feel like a woman someday;
Once a girl asked if she’d feel more joy
If she looked and acted and spoke like a boy;
One adult wondered, for they had forgotten,
If youth was a blessing or if it were rotten;
And so this went on for more than forever
In the weak and the strong and the dumb and the clever.
Behind every eye is a mind that is yearning
To know if their heart is the only one burning,
To know if their fears are the same as their neighbors
And whether they’ll ever bear fruit from their labors.
They seek refuge from the onslaught of “uncertain,”
Ever straining to peek at what’s behind the curtain,
Answering tests that will never be graded
‘Til the years pass them by and the memories are faded.
And Amy and Andrew and Zelda and Zane
Will all long for comfort and cry from their pain,
And only the wisest know what they must do:
Merely listen intently and say what is true.
Filed under Poems
Starting With The End In Mind
I wanted to be a journalist,
A master of the black and white,
But they said “You can’t ’cause you’re a bear.”
I studied far and wide
And bought the AP style guide,
But still no one would hire me… no fair.
Then one day I got a deal
To write one article for real
About how to better manage stress.
It was temp work, but hey!
Now I’m honest when I say
I am the only true Panda, Ex-Press.
Filed under Poems
Almost Year of the Ox…
I was in San Francisco
Looking for a Gucci bag.
I saw one that was perfect
But it didn’t have a tag.
I asked the asian shop clerk
“Is this real? I’m not a cop.”
He said, “Bag not counterfeit,”
And that was bull in a china shop.
Filed under Poems
Dating In The Country Be Like…
I hear her dad has fewer teeth
Than guns hung on his walls…
I heard her seven brothers
Got among ’em 19 balls…
I’ve heard her mom got famous
As a former L.A. Ram…
But I heard she ain’t got no beard
So I don’t give a damn!
Filed under Poems
Only The Bullies and the Barefaced Have Been Seen In Public…
There once was somebody’s spouse
Who put on a burgundy blouse.
She said, “Some folks will ask
“Kindly ‘Please wear a mask?'”
But those folks never leave their house…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 