I met an old man born in 1919,
A genuine centenarian.
He was burdened with many a bag
So I helped the man with some carryin’.
His bags were filled with red cabbage
And I asked “Are you vegetarian?”
Turns out he fought in World War II;
He was a veteran aryan.
Filed under Poems
John said the best year
To be a sardine
Was 1783.
I think the best year
Was 1790
And thus John is dead to me.
Filed under Poems
Want to give stopping crime a try?
We’ve got police and the FBI,
The CIA and TSA
And yet crime just won’t go away!
I have a method that may just work:
If somebody is being a jerk
Feed them lots of food, ’cause who
Commits a crime when they have to poo?
When perpetrators are constipated
You’ll find most violence had abated;
If you don’t want to end up dead
Feed potential felons bread.
Filed under Poems
I’m my softball league’s head chef;
For optimal nutrition
I like to make a Bundt cake
To get guys in a scoring position.
Filed under Poems
To find a man’s value
Divide his income by 10,000
Then subtract two to compensate.
To find a woman’s value
Call her a ten
(If she has a penis, call her an eight).
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It’s nice to know
In this day and age
Time Magazine will
Give you the front page
And give you the title
“Person of the year”
For being perturbed
Where rich people can hear.
Filed under Poems
Please keep the word mum
‘Cause I did something dumb:
I ordered a clock.
Now at my door, a knock!
I fear my time has come…
Filed under Poems
If you need to find info
Page 1 of Google’s where to go.
If you need to hide a thing
I’d suggest page 1 of Bing.
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For things in the past people will say
“Things in the past happened yesterday.”
But what I think just isn’t right
Is why we don’t say “Yesternight.”
Filed under Poems
My puppy seemed a little lax
So I whipped out his leash and snacks
And hooked him up and took a run
Down past Forever 21.
The air was crisp with breaking dawn.
We passed some neighbors looking on
And heads came out of every door
To see my puppy, lax no more.
We passed the diner and laundromat.
We passed gas stations (and giggled at that).
We jogged the park and strolled the street
To get my pup to pickup his feet.
I took my puppy for a walk
Around and round a city block
And all the while people said
“You’re sick, you freak! Your dog is dead!”
But we got home all safe and sound
And I unleashed my weary hound
And scratched good boy behind his ears
And then he napped for 15 years.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 