Category Archives: Poems

December 1, 2019 · 11:40 am

Aye Aye, I! I Eye i^i Eyes, I Eye i^i “Aye Ayes,” and I Eye I’s i^i Eyes Eyeing i^i i^is With I’s i^i “Aye Aye” Eyes, Aye. I?

English is funny; Take the word “ship”

Which can mean a variety of things…

It can mean a big boat

That can carry other boats

Or other miscellaneous bling.

Therefore a ship who ships cargo

(Oh yeah, ship is also a verb)

Can ship ships as its cargo

(Or so is said as a ship-shipping blurb).

“Ship” can also be used

To describe imaginary romance

Where two hypothetical characters

Want to get in one-another’s pants.

In this sense, the word shipping

Is creating the romantic “ship,”

But could also mean that you think

The prospect of shipping is hip.

So if you like to like the idea

Of a romantic relationship between

A cargo delivery vehicle who delivers ships

Falling in love with a similar machine

You ship shipping ship-shipping ships shipping ship-shipping ships,

And that is grammatically correct.

Yes indeed, English is funny

But deserves at least grudging respect.

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November 30, 2019 · 11:23 pm

When Friends Need To Vent

If you feel empty inside

Just take away the “E”

And you can feel mpty instead.

Or, alternatively

Take away the “Y”

And feel emp-t (and misled).

If you take away

The “E,” “P,” and “Y”

You feel mt, and that’s fine.

But if you say nothing

Your words won’t be empty

And we won’t have to hear you whine.

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November 29, 2019 · 9:18 pm

A Moral Dilemma

A train is coming down a track

On which doth a maiden lie.

If I took no action

It was certain that she’d die

But if I threw a lever

The train would change its track

And Taylor Swift would never die.

Now on maiden crows do snack.

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November 28, 2019 · 5:19 pm

It Was Totally Sincere, But Then I Needed A Rhyme

I’m grateful for people

Who do not expect

Good poems on holidays

And, to me, genuflect.

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November 27, 2019 · 7:49 pm

Feel Free To Replace “Bauer” With That One… Special Person

‘Twas the day before Thanksgiving

And all of the Bauers

Were being ungrateful

For 24 hours

For tomorrow they knew

They must put on a smile

And pretend to be happy,

At least for a while.

Then out of the sun

Did a meteor fall

And struck down the Bauers

And flattened them all.

On Thanksgiving that followed

This disaster from God

Everyone else was happy,

Which no one found odd…

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November 26, 2019 · 9:34 pm

When All The Good Men Are 5’11”

If a man makes 40k

And his girl makes 10

She’ll happily be his Barbie

And he will be her Ken.

If a man makes 40k

And his girl makes 20

She will call him Sugarplum

And he will call her Honey.

If a man makes 40k

And his girl makes thirty

You can guarantee that they’ll

Be eager to talk dirty.

If a man makes 40k

And she makes 41

Shame on her for dating down!

Their relationship is done.

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November 25, 2019 · 4:28 pm

Three Philosophies Best Spoken Rapidly And Without Breathing…

Some monastic people say that if you can forgo enough

That you can lose the urge to call some other people “bro” and stuff.

To do this is a sort of psychologicalish double-bluff

That, if applied correctly, leaves you feeling rather strong and tough.

On the other hand our non-monastic colleagues like to say

Pursuing earthly pleasures is, to happiness, a surer way

And that forgoing stuff is very (insert synonym for gay)

And that, through your indulgences, you’re guaranteed to feel okay.

I am of a middle-ground, a kind of tertiary school

For those who think that happiness comes not from being tough or cool

But that the key unlocking all the treasures of this happy stuff

Is “Everything is perfect if you keep your standards low enough.”

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November 24, 2019 · 11:34 pm

Penis Envy, by Dr. Seuss

How terribly toxic it seems to me

That it must be to be a “he,”

And yet, for reasons I can’t see,

A he is what I wish to be.

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November 23, 2019 · 9:45 pm

The American Way

You haven’t thought of pickles today

And you haven’t jumped a rope.

You haven’t kissed an armadillo

And you’ll never be the pope.

Your eyes aren’t orange like cinnamon

And you have a tooth smaller than your knee,

But if we voted for a different guy

You’ll probably disagree.

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November 22, 2019 · 11:31 pm

How To Politely Decline An Invitation To Dinner

Some people like chicken,

Some people like pork,

Some people like tofu

Impaled on their fork.

Some people like rabbit,

Some people like goat,

But no one likes you

And that’s all she wrote.

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