You know that feeling
When you have to sneeze but can’t
And your nose you already blew?
Imagine that feeling
For an hour or so.
That’s how it feels to be talking with you.
Category Archives: Poems
Dream Jobs
When I was a baby
I went to a farm
And learned about the origins of milk.
I was curious and asked
What happens if you’re tasked
With squeezing udders of the masculine cow’s ilk.
And when farmers laughed
And the parents cringed
I knew I’d stumbled on something good
And I knew when I grew up
I would be an artificial inseminator
Whether or not I really ought or should.
Filed under Poems
The Honest Politician’s Prayer
I am a tree without a trunk,
A neck without a spine,
A car without a chassis,
A roller coaster with no line.
I’m an eskimo in Florida,
Someone humble in LA.
You’ve probably never seen me
And it’ll probably stay that way.
Filed under Poems
New Perspectives
I once went to a market
For groceries I would buy
When a most unpleasant sight
Fell upon my naive eye.
I can only picture
What occurred before I came
As if the homeless had played poker
And they all had lost the game,
For beside the sidewalk entrance
Underneath the neon sign
Were a hundred empty carts
Neatly tucked into a line.
Somewhere in the city
There are those who’ve lost there way
So I beg you, steal back their carts
For justice! (Please obey)
Filed under Poems
Thank You! I’ll Be Here All Night
I’ve got another story
That I thought I’d share with you
And unlike most of my others
This one is completely true.
I’m stuck in traffic, driving
Down through Portland, OR.
At one time people thought “let’s go”
But apparently not anymore.
We’re driving behind a Tesla
With a vanity plate
That reads “UNSTPBL.”
Its driver I do hate.
I know most folks are decent
But my opinion’s going askew
Thanks to Mr. 100K a year
Who has 15 IQ.
I could probably go on longer,
And (we’ll see) perhaps I might.
I’ve got 400 miles ’til I get home
And that’s a lot of night.
I’m glad I don’t live in LA,
New York, or Portland too,
But if you’ve got a book I can sign
Come to I-5 exit 242.
Filed under Poems
But It Makes One Bicep Look Bigger…
Some of you may believe
That I wear my heart on my sleeve
As a matter of choice,
But don’t heed that voice.
There was a surgeon who’s since taken his leave…
Filed under Poems
An Only-Somewhat-Exaggerated Tale Of Today (Dedicated To Seth)
Today I drove a thousand miles
From WA to San Jose,
With a bunch of flaming morons
Tailgating me the whole way,
Weaving through the traffic
Like quilters yearning for death
All behind a mini cooper
Going 20 (License Plate: IMSETH).
As I recline, safe somehow,
On my Californian bed
A realization formed inside
My woeful weary head.
I-5 South, the freeway
A thousand miles through crazyville
Should better be renamed
The route of all evil.
Filed under Poems
Oh, Also My Fans, Whether Or Not They Give Me Money
Today we express gratitude
For all that we enjoy.
I’m grateful I can eat a lot
Of meat instead of soy,
That I’m allowed to shoot a turkey
But can buy one at a store,
And for fuzzy fleece blankets.
That’s what I’m thankful for!
Filed under Poems
I’m Off To The Wild West… California!
When I was a little bitty boy
So young it was okay to be strange
I wanted to be a cowboy
And ride the wide-open range.
My best friends would be a stallion,
My rifle, and my hat.
Needless to say as I grew up
My life diverged from that.
I play cards at the old saloon
When my work’s done for the week.
I drive a sleek black mustang
And I’m sometimes known to wreak.
I may sit behind a desk
Playing quick-draw with my phone
But I really just want to saddle up,
Ride off, and be alone.
A few things stand between me
And the life I’m meant to lead.
In the Chicago city limits
I can’t buy a proper steed.
I look quite like a bad boy
So the ladies are all smiles and purrs
But they never die at the end of the episode
And they object when I wear my spurs.
In my heart I am a cowboy.
I dress and talk like one
And, thanks to the permit office,
I can own my own six-gun.
It has to be locked up
Separately from the ammunition.
But tomorrow I’m moving West
To fulfill my grand ambition.
Filed under Poems
Am I Transgender?
When I was born, the doctor
Did declare I was a boy,
But as I’ve grown big and older
I recognized the ploy.
I want to live a simple life
And never go to work
Which means I want to be a woman
(Either that or I’m a jerk).
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 