One of the beloved songs
Is titled “Silent Night,”
Of story of a night where all
Is calm and all is bright.
With the writer of the song
I want to have a chat.
A silent night where all is bright?
What kind of night is that?
Category Archives: Poems
Pulling Out The Good…?
When Chinese people
Want to eat on fancy plates
What are those plates called?
Filed under Poems
Stallion Of The Sea!
A mermaid’s on my back
And another is in my jaws.
One appreciates my service
And the other sees my flaws.
My coat is warm and fluffy
And made of tiny molars.
I’m a great white horseshark
And my virtues have many extollers.
My mane is made of dreams
And my tail’s made of kelp
And if you could speak underwater
My presence would make you call for help.
I can smell blood from miles away.
I can run and jump and swim
But you prefer me to your boyfriend
‘Cause I understand you better than him.
Let’s go for a ride
And munch on a whale.
Who needs horseshoes
Or a boat to sail?
Yes, we can be friends,
Omnivorous kin.
But if you hate me I don’t mind.
I’ve got very thick skin.
Filed under Poems
If Five Meaningful Episodes Is Too Much You Could Write A Sitcom Instead
As far as I can tell
All you need to do well
As a writer for TV
Is to write a detective show
Where your always-brilliant lead
Has some flaw or special need
That makes them an outsider
With a mono-syllabic name.
Then add someone to kiss
And a grand nemesis
That might, perhaps, be
More brilliant than they.
You need only in joint
Write five episodes with a point,
Then 17 worth of filler
And you’re on your way!
Filed under Poems
Then It Said It’s Name Was “Officer Jenkins” And That I Was “Under Arrest”
I sat down one evening
On a recliner
When a voice unkindly arose.
“I’m not a chair”
Called the voice through the air,
From the recliner I suppose.
Now most times I sit
That’s basically it.
Seldom do seats tell me “no.”
So I just have to say
If stuff goes on this way
We must ask how far it will go!
Filed under Poems
There’s Someone For Everybody
I want you
Like vegan bacon,
Like rain on my birthday,
Like my car being towed.
I want you
Like an unreleased kraken,
Like a giant pet termite
Or a poisonous toad.
I want you
Like an IRS audit,
Like Buffy wanted
A vampire to slay.
Some might hate this poem
But I know you applaud it.
My wants may be wonky
But you like it that way.
Filed under Poems
RIP Bob (1945-2014), Most Valuable Employee (2015-Present)
A lot of Toms and Dicks and Harrys
Think of death as something scary,
But I see little cause for fright
In the unknown of an endless night.
Say a chicken passed away.
Some would cry and weep and sway
But I would fry it in some lard
In lieu of writing a sympathy card.
So if a friend or neighbor dies
Would it not be equally wise
Not to equate God to a beast
But to sell the corpse to Fancy Feast?
And if you are the one to pass
Why not do it with some class?
You’re dead, but life need not end. How?
Well, some call centers are hiring now…
Filed under Poems
Big Brother Doesn’t Want To See That!
Sometimes it feels like I’m being watched
By malevolent eyes in in some way.
Then I take off my shirt and pop pimples
And the feeling usually goes away.
Filed under Poems
Whoopee!
Once in a while you pass something
That forever changes your life,
That frees you from discomfort
And gastronomic strife.
They come without much fanfare,
Just a single tiny toot,
And you don’t even mind
If the air they do pollute.
Every once in a while
You don’t know what to do
‘Til something in your gut
Will take the lead for you
And the winds that held you back
Now are broken. All is well.
All those who never knew you
Ask “who’s that?” And “what’s that smell?”
Did you ever know that you’re my hero,
The reason why my intestine sings?
All cheese I cut is for your glory!
You pass the wind beneath my wings.
Filed under Poems
Honestly, Every Baby Name After 2007 Though…
I feel for baby Adolfs,
Judases, Atillas,
Who had to live entire lives
Proving they’re just vanillas
Instead of evil Hall-of-Famers
Whose names they now must share.
On the other hand, how ’bout some killers
Named Peyton, Taylor, Weston, or Blair?
Filed under Poems
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