If you see a girl you like
And say to her “my name is Mike”
Then it’d be a real shame
If that weren’t your real name.
Category Archives: Poems
Elegy For My Youthful Vigor
‘Tis late! ‘Tis late!
‘Tis nearly dark!
I really should be snoring.
You say “it’s fine,”
But it’s nearly 9:00
And, oh my God, I’m boring!
Filed under Poems
You CAN’t Win ‘Em All
If I CAN be CANdid
That which CAN be CANned
CAN make an author realize
That their idea doesn’t have
A logical and satisfying conclusion.
Filed under Poems
Career Advice
If you were born with giant feet
And a spherical scarlet nose
And super pale powdery skin
And carrying a plastic rose
I think you should become a clown
And make a living so
‘Cause if you don’t then people
Might think you’re creepy, just so you know.
Filed under Poems
“I” Pronounced “E,” In This Case Before “Le”
I looked for better deals
For my monthly cell phone plan.
Some offers good, others not,
There was a terrific span.
But the ad from Virgin Mobile
Was the one that caught my eye.
It was a picture of my car;
“Read our name again and cry.”
Filed under Poems
Apparently, Caring About The Details Is Somewhat Important
Flashlight, flashdark,
Flash anywhere.
Just so long as you flash me
I really do not care.
Flashlight, flashdark,
Flash all sorts of beams.
I’ll flash you all you want
Every night inside your dreams.
Filed under Poems
The Jury’s Still Out On Flowers Though…
I’m sitting in the forest,
Bony flesh among the trees,
Trying to consort with both
The flowers and the bees.
As the hours came and went
And nature’s reply did not
I remembered my childhood
And found I had a thought:
The scarecrow of Dorothy’s comp’ny
Lacked a brain, which stopped him from
Doing as I was attempting.
So I questioned: “Am I dumb?”
One of the bees responded:
“Nope. Now go back to the mall.”
I did just that, but pleased
That bees aren’t assholes after all.
Filed under Poems
I-68, She Younger
I asked a gal if she wanted
To do the back-seat bingo,
Which is why I lost twenty dollars
To a gal who don’t know 50’s lingo.
Filed under Poems
The Disability We All Must Endure
Some folks called me deaf.
Some folks called me blind.
Some said I was a freak.
Some said I’d lost my mind.
Some said I sort of squealed
When a bird flew at my eye
Which, on account of my blindness and deafness
I can neither confirm nor deny.
Some folks called me Shithead.
Some folks called me Walt.
Both of those are my middle names
Which is my parents’ fault.
Some folks called me other things
Which may have made me sad
But I don’t know the specifics
‘Cause their brail handwriting’s so bad.
Some folks say I’m stubborn.
Some folks say I’m cheerful.
Some folks express gratitude
That I never give them an ear full.
Some say I can’t appreciate
The world like others do,
But at least I know the smell of AXE
So, in that sense, I’m just like you.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 