If wishes were fishes
We’d eat way more trout,
If thoughts were diplomas
We’d have much more clout,
If logic were clothing
We’d mostly be nude,
But if teardrops were onions
We’d really be screwed.
Category Archives: Poems
And, Somewhere, A Naked Professor Sheds A Tear Over His Sushi And Immediately Regrets It…
Filed under Poems
High Noooooo Thank You!
He strode into town,
A wayfaring stranger,
His haunting black eyes
An invitation to danger.
The gun on his belt
Had been recently shot.
“Seems like a bit
“Too much trouble,” I thought.
So as he turned left
And hitched up his horse
I turned to the right
And continued that course
‘Til I got to the city
And started to grin
Knowing that was a Western
I wouldn’t be in.
Filed under Poems
I Tried To Write A Blues Song…
If the fact that night’s black
Somehow strikes you as racist,
If you’ve slacked off on the lotion
And your skin has a cray cyst,
If you drink green smoothies
And fly “coexist” kites
You may not have the blues
But you’ve sure got the whites.
When your three-year-old son
Tells you “Daddy, I’m gay”
And your instagram buddies
Say “Hashtag-OMG-yay!”
If you’re upset you don’t need
To fight for your rights
Then I’m sorry my friend
But you may have the whites.
If Samuel L. Jackson’s
Your “number one bro,”
You think its fine to say “moron”
But not to call someone “slow,”
If you think the dragon’s
Misunderstood by the knights
Then give your friends sunglasses
‘Cause you’ve got the whites.
But if you’ve got the whites
There’s no need to be sad.
It’s not your fault your existence
Makes everything bad.
One day we won’t judge people
Based on sex, race, or fat…
If only all the fat rich white males
Could understand that!
Live and Learn
Your face in my vision
With such precision,
A sight I’ll never forget;
How your eyes met mine
At 12:09…
The feeling’s not left me yet.
I realized two truths
That night in Duluth
As to your house we started walking:
The telescope seller was good,
I fall when hit by a block of wood,
And legally my actions could be called “stalking.”
Filed under Poems
Too Soon?
You’ll remember me
When you smell the sun
On the earth between your toes
In the forest we
Explored as kids,
Where the tree we planted grows.
You’ll remember me
When the bulldogs win,
When you wear my number 9
When you see two kids
Sitting in the stands
Though the lights no longer shine.
You’ll remember me
When you hear our song,
The one I chose to sing
When I kneeled down
And I gave my voice
‘Cause I couldn’t buy a ring.
You’ll remember me
When our children smile
And ask you for a snack,
As you trim their crust
And recall that day,
When our baby hugged you back.
You’ll remember me
When the house we built
Is serene in Autumn’s glow,
When the snow comes down
And its quiet like
It was eighteen years ago.
You’ll remember me
As our thin white hair
Falls on our Yahtzee game.
You’ll remember this
And so much more
If you’ll just tell me your name.
Filed under Poems
21st Century Music
There once was a popular band
Whose singer was pretty but bland.
The sales started to fall
Until for one and all
She showed off a mammary gland.
Filed under Poems
Seriously, Look It Up People!
Nixon heard of the Laffer curve
And thought it was a joke.
Reagan heard of the Laffer curve
And said “that’s why we’re broke!”
Obama heard of the Laffer curve
And asked “what did you smoke?”
Trump heard of the Laffer curve
And said “this is bigly woke!”
Most of you heard of the Laffer curve
For the first time just now,
You don’t know what it is
Or how it affects your chow.
So please look up the Laffer curve
So as to be better informed
And we can get to fixing
All the folks who’ve been social-normed.
Filed under Poems
Flowery Thoughts
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Yet a more valuable fact
Is less cited as true:
They’re symbols of waste,
The decay of one’s youth,
Yet one must buy flowers
To prove that you’re couth.
For every blue violet
And red rose you eschew
The longer the doghouse
Shall be fate for you.
So for my fellow rebels
Who see trees but not forests…
When we kill all the lawyers
Let’s also kill florists.
Filed under Poems
Sounds From The Palace
Close your eyes and hear the rain,
Which sounds like water, wet and plain.
It sounds a bit like falling tears
But bigger and much less salty.
Some hear it on metal roofs fall,
Like little elves playing basketball.
Some hear it on a rubber tarp,
Which, let’s be honest, probably sucks.
Some hear it on roofs of wood.
Better than a tarp, but still not good.
But to me it sounds like my laughter
At a bunch of damp blind people.
Now you probably feel dumb
For closing your eyes
And listening to freaking water!
Lol… peasants.
Filed under Poems
Alas, Sales Would Fall Quickly In California
We as a species
Devote so much time
To inventing a car
That’s smarter than us;
A car that can fly,
Can swim or can jump,
Can brake automatically
And not cause a fuss.
I think we can dream
Even bigger than this,
That the auto market,
There is a way to win it,
And we must redouble
Our effort to invent
A car that implodes
When a moron gets in it.
Filed under Poems
