When someone says “When was your last shower”
And you honestly can’t remember
That’s what most folks call “disgusting.”
I call it “September”.
Linguistic History 101
I love how someone decided
That they could just combine
Two words and make another word
And act like it was fine.
So came about such portmanteaus
As “Sandpaper” and “Sweatshirt”,
And even though no harm was done
I’m feeling kind of butt-hurt.
And how come some compound words
Need to be hyphenated?
Like cross-eye, but not loveseat?
Is anyone else devastated?
Apparently the jury’s out
And no one cares but me.
I think I’ll solve this once and for all
By founding Germany.
Filed under Poems
Family Reunion In Alaska
At my parents’ house
Played board games and shot a bear
Like a kid again
Filed under Poems
Moving Up In The World
He’s standing on the sidewalk
Dancing with a sign
Because the company on the corner
Wants more people to be buyin’.
He’s singing to the hip-hop song
That only he can hear
Until his phone says 5:00 O’clock
And he can disappear.
His spirit’s probably broken
And he really has to pee,
But at least he makes more money
Than I do with poetry.
Filed under Poems
Watch… It’ll Be A Baby Name Too In 2035
A fantasy author was getting tired
Of calling things dragons, and so he hired
A marketing guru and said “Hey, it’s lame
“That all of these dragons have the same name!”
So the marketing guru sat down and thought
That people didn’t use “Y” quite a lot,
So he proposed the namesWyvern and Wyrm
And both those became an acceptable term.
Alas, Mr. writer will probably live
Long enough for his stories to give
The inevitable climax, the ultimate sin:
A book where the monster is spelled as “Dragyn”.
Filed under Poems
Fro Yo, Before Black People Made That A Greeting/Hairstyle
Somebody once grabbed a cow by the teats
And sucked out the milk and called it good eats
But a little fermented and got full of germs
And people just couldn’t come to grips or terms
So they filled it with sugar and put fruit on the bottom
And sold it in little plastic cups, and folks bought ‘em.
Then someone froze it and, eyes all agleam,
Said “People should buy this instead of ice cream!”
Most of the world disagreed, but alas
White peoplee adored it and paid through the ass.
All over the country we now eat frozen yogurt
Like Iowans mow lawns, and Nevadans mow dirt.
Filed under Poems
My Kind Of Superpower
Have you ever noticed
How a cat can lie down
On any surface at all
And just go to town,
Floppy, relaxed,
Happy as can be
On the edge of a bed
Or the top of a TV?
I wish I had the power
To flop anywhere
And be totally comfy
And free of all care
But instead I’m in bed now
And my heart rate is spiking
Because my pillow’s a little
Too warm for my liking…
Filed under Poems
Another Cow Poem
Jared was still very small
When he saw cattle fall
Into a slumber, fast and deep.
With no reason or rhyme
Someone said “It’s pasture bedtime”
And so Jared went home and fell asleep.
Filed under Poems
Just Wait ‘Til He Learns They Eat Cat In China
Jared was a little dude
From Syracuse, New York
Who used to think his favorite meat
Was barbecue pulled pork.
Then he came upon a crowd
Of masturbating cattle
And now he says Beef strokin’ off
Has won the “best meat” battle.
Filed under Poems
She’s Cute Though…
My girl was trying to write
A poem for me tonight
She tried rhyming “dominion”
With “In my girls arms”
And that’s when we started the fight.
She requested I write her original poem
So here it is, verbatim:
“The Happiest Place On Earth”
Some may call it Disneyland
But we did not meet a bug.
Others call it Ikea,
Though we came home with a rug.
In my own opinion
The happiest dominion
Is that the happiest place on earth
Is in my girl’s arms.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 