Tag Archives: America

Songs of the American South

Black Lyrics

Sometimes I ponder

That yonder fonder rapper,

That slapper of the fapper

Who use the public crapper

Just writes, night after nights,

Under fluorescent lights

Whatever rhymes, even if that means

He writes more wrongs than rights

‘Cause the whites, they delight

In da light skin they got,

They ain’t thought how we fought

‘Cause our families were caught

And sold in days of old for a handful of gold.

Dig it?

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White Lyrics

Hey baby, I’m thinkin’

That since we’ve been drinkin’

And we got us a truck

Let’s roll up a joint

And drive to make-out point

And shoot us a deer or a duck!

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If They Only Had A Brain…

Some zombies caught diseases

That made them long for brains.

Some are raised by the magic

That a necromancer trains.

Some become a zombie for

No reason we can see

But most zombies decided

To major in sociology.

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Board Games In Baltimore

We sat down to play

The latest version of Clue,

Read through the rulebook

To check what was new,

Saw a new character

Named “Mr. Not-White”

And we shouted “Case closed”

And called it a night.

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Priorities

I don’t see why we’re worrying

About regulating guns

When supermarkets sell packages

Of eight hot dogs and ten buns.

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Tonight: Shred Monkey (Ft. The Green Bay Packers)

When it comes to choosing my dream career

I’ve finally made a decision:

I’ve decided I want to be

A major league musician…

I want to be in a band so famous

They play quick football games during intermission.

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November, 2020

You probably didn’t think

That evidence you’d find

To elect a Pokémon,

But I hope to change your mind:

So if you are American

(Or not, we don’t really check)

Vote Meowth 2020

‘Cause hey! What the heck?

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Guest Poem By Michael Bay

There once was a musclebound maverick

Who lived on a houseboat back east

Whose hobby was arm-wrestling pythons

And whose fingers’ tattoos spelled out “B.E.A.S.T.”

A menace that threatened America

Made the president call him to arms.

Then there was a gratuitous explosion

And a lot of red flashing alarms.

So Maverick emerged from retirement,

Shook hands with some buddies from ‘Nam

Then one more gratuitous explosion

This time from a nuclear bomb.

A scantily clad 20-something

Kissed Maverick and gave him a knife

After which he confronted the menace,

There was a gratuitous explosion…

Thus endeth the big bad guy’s life.

Somewhere in there’s a Bugatti

And a shirtless training montage.

You might think this doesn’t make sense,

Thus explosions and décolletage.

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How To Write A Superbowl Ad

You start out with a robot

That’s been made with CGI

Who says one beer is best

With no compelling reason why.

Next you strip the advertisement

Of anything resembling humor

So you don’t provoke the many

With an “I’m Offended” tumor.

Then say “We love social justice

“So you should buy our calamari”

With the sincerity of a five-year-old

When they’re forced to say “I’m sorry.”

The result’s an advertisement

To appeal to a mob

That hates all corporations

But still needs them for their job.

I hope next year’s Sportsball expo

Doesn’t try to be so “woke”

And the 2020 vegans

Are prepared to take a joke.

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Sincerely, God

There’s a billion folks in poverty.

A billion more are sick.

Every day a million innocents

Will fall for dirty tricks.

Homeless folks are freezing

And millions have no food

But you made a cross at halftime

So I’ve got you, football dude!

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Al Capone, Libertarian

I ask you now to wonder

On the act of taking plunder

And on pirate-like behavior as a whole:

How does someone with a flag

Holding out a taxman’s bag

Compare to vagrants charging travelers a toll?

And what of other you’s and me’s

Traveling on the seven seas

When a Jolly Roger pulls their cannon out

And says “give us what you’ve got

“Or you’ll probably get shot.”

That’s what piracy and taxes are about!

Now sure, our brand of takers

Cheer beside you for the Lakers

And send you notes before they pull their gun

But they are not made less like Smeagol

Just because their theft is legal

And their pre-audit demeanor is more fun.

I’m not afraid to call BS

On our nation’s IRS.

Now excuse me, for I must go on the run.

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