I needed some lubrication
(Not for that, you dirty cad!)
So I went to the supermarket
To see what types they had.
They had oil made from olives,
Coconuts, almonds, sunflowers,
And ingredients I can’t pronounce
Even if I tried for hours.
But then I saw a product
That set my blood a boil:
Somebody was selling there
A jar of baby oil!
Filed under Poems
Today as I was driving
Through the downtown Detroit snow
I heard such lovely music as
“Oh Nightly Hoe,”
“Blew Christmas,” “Slay Ride,”
“Santa Baby-Daddy,” “Little Saint’s Dick,”
“White Privilege Christmas”
And “Look Who I Got With The Ice Pick.”
I would have felt unsafe but I
Was with someone known well:
My inner-city Christmas buddy
Da’First No’El.
Filed under Poems
“You’re a good boy! Yes you are!”
They said and pulled me to the car.
But they didn’t use a cutesy voice
So I killed them (I had no choice).
Filed under Poems
Everything was going well
Until I ate that Taco Bell…
For one glorious ride I was a fountain
In the very first car upon Splash Mountain.
Filed under Poems
This year they started teaching kids
As young as five-years-old
That gender is whatever you choose
And not just what you’re told.
To celebrate this progress
In sex-ed for the prepubescent
I thought of a list of titles
For children’s books in this age present:
“Everybody Fucks,” for one;
Or “When the President Sniffs Your Hair”;
“The Very Hungry Pedophile”;
Or the two-papa Berenstain Bears.
“When Daddy Says ‘Call Me Mommy’”;
“The Fantastic Gyration Sensation”;
And a favorite of drag queen story hour:
“A is for Autoerotic Asphyxiation.”
Maybe you don’t feel comfortable
Putting porn in your preschooler’s head?
Don’t worry! For kids who are too young
We’ll teach them they’re racists instead!
Filed under Poems
A friend texted me the word “Nose”
Then: “I wrote the word nose with my nose.”
A second friend texted “Toes”
And I think you see where this eventually goes…
They wrote “Penis”, “Dolphin”, “Rose”
And I knew it was hard to one-up those
Thus my search for “The blood of America’s foes:
“Enough to fill a fireman’s hose.”
Filed under Poems
The CIA captured the boss
Of a domestic terrorist cell.
They did everything they could do
To “convince” the guy to tell
What he’s planning, what he knows,
But the criminal never cracked
Until the feds quit waterboarding him
And made him drink vanilla extract.
Filed under Poems
A hero, a villain, and an idiot
Were writing a poem together.
The hero said “I think we should
“Write of love to my girlfriend, Heather.”
The villain said, “I think instead
“We write about someone who died.”
Then they turned to you and said together:
“Why don’t you decide?”
Filed under Poems
A ghost arrived in the afterlife
Having committed suicide.
The other ghosts surrounded him. “Oh dear!
“Why did you end your life like that?“
The new ghost said “Communication!
“The truth is I just wanted to be clear.”
Filed under Poems
Harvey Weinstein, Pablo Escobar, and Joe Biden walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Let me guess… you want me to put it in my body or I’ll never work again?”
Filed under Uncategorized
The Daily Travesty 