Somewhere far beyond these walls
Walking amidst the eldritch halls
Are dwarves and elves and even men
Saying, “Damn GPS screwed up again.”
Tag Archives: Fantasy
Not To Mention Big Feet…
Some people believe in fantasy creatures
Like mermaids and centaurs and such.
Most people come to conclude those beliefs
Are, politely, “a little bit much.”
Some people believe in fantasy creatures
But I think we should give them a pass;
Sure, I’ve never known a fish-tailed woman
But I’ve known plenty with a horse’s ass.
Filed under Poems
Who’s Stopping You?
Once upon a time
My default face was smiling
Under burden of conformity
To the status of “not bad”.
In that far off kingdom
My heart was reconciling
My duty to the status quo
And the feelings that I had.
A princess in a tower
Which was formed of graying stone
And tasked with daily maintenance
Of contentment with conviction.
The dragon tasked with guarding me
Was a creation of my own
And the “fines” and “goods” I murmured
Masked my inner benediction.
Once upon a time
I let my default smile fade
And the gray stone tower crumbled
And I bade the dragon eat me
But without the need for outer peace
My boldness was repaid
And I found the dragon of my mind
Had no strength to defeat me.
The kingdom of the “good enough”
Is a fairy tale now.
My default face is smiling
But my smile is not a scam.
I smile as a person who
No longer wonders “how”,
Who smiles not to inoffend
But because of who I am.
Filed under Poems
America’s Sport Is Back! (In Brazil?)
‘Twas the night before football
And men everywhere
Were preparing their lineups
And floofing their chair.
Elsewhere in the house
Was a wife, not yet hiding,
But seeking out places
For comfy abiding,
Retreats where she’ll spend
The next 17 Sundays
Avoiding the shouts.
(Wait, they also play Mondays?)
The refs have made final
The script for the season
Including some muscles
To tear without reason.
Now all of us sigh
As we drift off to bed
Hoping this year the Chiefs
Will get bonked in the head.
Filed under Poems
Thus, I Accepted My Fate
The dragon loomed above me
Drooling volcanic spittle.
He said to me “I’ll spare your life
“If you answer me this riddle.”
Then I saw the dragon smile,
Its eyes a golden sheen:
“What’s harder to fix? The government
“Or the McDonald’s ice cream machine?”
Filed under Poems
Aspirations
I’m a freakin’ space marine!
Half man, half god, half war machine!
I wipe out armies with my fists!
And turn alien brains into alien mists!
I’ve saved every planet from certain death!
When women see me they gasp for breath!
I’m a freakin’ space marine, you know!
What mom? Ooh, pizza? Gotta go!
Filed under Poems
But We’re Only 138 Minutes In!
When vision of the kingdom darkens
A call to rest echoes in halls of men.
The comforts of the evening nether harken
For to lengthy sleep we’re called again.
We shall not argue with the calling;
We shall not raise a blade to fight;
Instead our bodies start their falling
Into the cold embrace of night.
“Must this end in such a manner”
Asks my voice, naive and weak.
“Obey my call”, says the lady of the manor
And so follows the man, exhausted, meek.
Thus was my evening when my wife said
“Turn off Return of the King and come to bed.”
Filed under Poems
Ballad Of The First Dude In The Epic War Sequence Who Gets Shot And Falls From A High Place Just Before The Soundtrack Starts
There once was a warrior from Lo
Who’d a habit of stubbing his toe.
He could not help but feel
‘Twas his Achilles heel…
But nope! He died by arrow.
Filed under Poems
Fantasy Movies
Once upon a time ago
When dragons ruled the Earth
A magic chosen one was born
On the day that was his birth.
He grew up like a normal child
With perfect grades and crap
Until eternal evil
Fell conveniently in his lap.
He walked through several biomes
While some epic music played
And met the one named female character
And somehow did not get laid
And then, at the end of the runtime,
The villain said “I’ll never die”
Then sky-beams and a sword through his head
Proved his last words were a lie.
Then the hero faced the rising sun
To a song by a knock-off Enya
And the nerds all left the theatre saying
“Let’s watch that again, ya?”
Filed under Poems
The Ballad of Yargh
Once in the land of Kibosh
In the castle between worlds
Was the mighty warrior, Yargh,
And the dice he deftly hurled.
He gambled with the gnomes and elves
And other clever fey
But lightning struck and Yargh’s great luck
Won the money and the day.
A fighter yes, so strong and bold
With blood as cold as ice
But we sing not of his prowess
With the blade, but of the dice.
So sing of Yargh the fortunate,
The winner of our game.
His only lack of luck is that
His parents chose that name.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 