I want a furry turtle
That will snuggle me in bed
With a leopard-patterned belly
And a capybara’s head,
Thats softer than a kitten
And convenient as a fish
That’s 6-feet plus and makes $100k…
Is that too much to wish?
Tag Archives: Pets
About Your Pet Spider…
If you tell me to take care of
A monster with eight eyes
I hope you won’t be unhappy
When it inevitably dies.
Filed under Poems
But People With Pet Spiders…
If you have a snake for a pet
I think it’s a pretty safe bet
That you have one or two kidneys.
You thought this would end differently?
How judgmental can you get?
Filed under Poems
Ensuring Adequate Nutrition To Underprivileged Animals (Oh SNAP!)
Some Americans on food stamps
Are demanding food for pets,
‘Cause “pets are more than something that you own.”
I say cut the stamps
And let Lady eat the tramps…
Save money and kill two birds with one stone!
Filed under Poems
To All The “Alt-Moms” Out There
Little birds fly
And small children don’t.
Dogs obey loving masters
But small children won’t.
Whales jump on command
Through rings made of fire
But children would never
Do something so dire.
Small children are builders,
But so is an ant.
A fly can do everything
Small children can’t.
Pediatricians are pricey.
What’s cheaper are vets.
That’s why I shun children
In favor of pets.
Filed under Poems
As For Me… I Was A Goldfish
Benny was a hamster,
An upper-middle class rat.
He lived seven years
In a house with a cat.
He suffered anxiety
Throughout his meager years.
Then he was eaten and came back
As a worker at Sears.
This tale is bland
At face-value only.
It’s a tale of courage
Despite being lonely.
I urge you, have compassion
For all that you meet
For in a previous life
They may have been meat.
Filed under Poems
What Would You Have Done?
My cat ate my fish,
Then my dog ate my cat,
Then my puma ate my dog
So I bought a pet gnat.
And The Award For Best Pet Goes To…
I’ve had a lot of pets.
Okay, not really… but a few
And I tell you with conviction
That the best of them is you.
When I read my poems to goldfish,
Guppies, betas, or trout
They get neither the humor
Nor what the poem’s about.
When I read my rhymes to kitties
They bite me on the thumb.
When I read my verse to doggies…
Well, alas, they’re cute but dumb.
When I read poems to my girlfriends,
Oh sure, they laugh and smile
And beg me to be their only love,
But that’s just not my style.
But you stay with me, readers.
You are my best friend and my steed.
I’m a lucky guy to have you,
And you don’t cost much to feed.
Filed under Poems
Deal Breaker?
What makes the tears of spiders?
What hides under monsters’ beds?
What makes slime and death and taxes
Put a pillow over their heads?
What makes a cold front shiver?
What makes Hell’s denizens sweat?
I wondered about the answer
Until I met my girlfriend’s pet.
Filed under Poems
Kids These Days
Plodding, panting, galivanting
Amidst the grassy park.
I see a cat. I don’t like that
So I conjure up a bark.
The cat runs off. I’m satisfied
And so I pee and drool.
Then mommy puts the leash back on
And we drive off to school.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 