Tomorrow I’m strapping knives to my feet
And throwing myself down a hill.
Then I’ll get on a chair that flies through the air
And do it again for a thrill.
Tag Archives: Poetry
What Do Poets Do At Night? The True Story Revealed!
Tonight I stayed home to guarantee
I could sign up for an event at 6:00 PM.
I spent most of the afternoon watching TV,
Specifically the Seahawks get their ass handed to them.
I was also playing video games
And burning wood to keep my house hot.
I had an awesome time doing everything but
Did I sign up for the event? No I did not.
I spent an evening by myself
Eating cookies and shouting “Dude!”
At the TV, so although I’m a dumby
My man card’s 1,000-percent renewed!
Filed under Poems
But Seriously, Who Doesn’t Want To Do This At Least Once?
I think people would be happier
If once a day, for free,
They could take an eighteen-wheeler
Packed with TNT
And have a robot drive it
Into their neighbor’s chrysanthemum
But that’s very illegal
‘Cause the government is dumb.
Filed under Poems
Don’t Question The Logic… Just Enjoy The Conclusion
I think that absolute proof
That a time machine exists
Is the fact that someone went back in time
And found a T-Rex
And said “Aww yeah… T-Rex….”
And then got eaten
And nobody has time traveled since.
Filed under Poems
NFL Folk Tales
If a tree falls in the forest
And no one’s around to see
Will the Packers still pass on receivers
In 2023?
—————————————————————
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck wouldn’t chuck…
Perhaps he even couldn’t chuck…
Since Russell Woodchuck still sucks. Good.
—————————————————————
Legend speaks of manticores
With the heads of a lion, an eagle, and goat.
Normally you’d be scared of the lion head
But that’s ‘cause the eagles don’t gloat.
Filed under Poems
How The Free Market Works
There once was a guy who made gizmos.
It cost him a dollar for three,
And he sold them to shops for a dollar a piece
Which seems okay so far to me.
The shop where they resold the gizmos
Put the price tag as $2.99
But they were always on sale for $2.50
Which still isn’t crossing the line.
So you pay your five bucks for two gizmos
But the government steps in to say
“A five-dollar price is all very nice
“But $5.25’s what you must pay.”
So you fish out a quarter to augment
The price of the gizmos you bought
But found that the cash in your pocket
Was less than initially thought
Because for each dollar of paycheck
A dime and a quarter were taken
To pay for the people who make up the rules
That say “Taxes are good, you’re mistaken.”
So that’s why when I shop for gizmos
I go to the maker and say
“Here’s a buck for your thirty-cent gizmo”
And we smile and go on our way.
Filed under Poems
The Placebo Effect
There once was a sinister plot
Much worse than you ever thought…
It involved mind control
And a dark, moonlit stroll.
Now tell: are you worried or not?
—————————————————————
There once was the snazziest plan;
Make it seem just as cool as you can!
Sure, there’s thinking involved…
But the problems it’s solved!
I love me some sugar pills, man!
Filed under Poems
When Life Gives You Mucus, Make Poetry
I’m still sick after 96 hours,
Plentiful pills, and hot, steamy showers.
I feel lousy, and still poems I write
So give me some pity likes! And with that, good night.
Filed under Poems
Careful Where You Hang Your Hat
Some friends and I were mucking about
The attic when we found
And old top hat with a label that
Said “This makes men dance around.”
So we rolled some snowballs up
And made a face of carrot and coal
And we plopped that cap on the snowy chap
And pretended he had a soul.
Alas, for us, the sun was hot
And dancers tend to sweat
So when the day had gone away
That magic hat was wet,
So we hung it by the fire
Atop Grandpa’s antique poker…
So yes officer, that’s what did this to her.
‘Twas Frosty’s spirit that done broke ‘er!
Filed under Poems
English 101
There once was a five paragraph essay
That had one compelling thing to say
Then repeated that message
Twice, then thrice for to stressage
That there once was a five paragraph essay.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 