If you teach men to fish
You’ll feed them forever,
But I find that sometimes
It’s a fruitless endeavor.
I taught fishing in Sweden
But to my dismay
They were still eating candy
The very next day.
Tag Archives: Poetry
Apocalypse? Not Now!
Apocalypse’s horsemen
Were riding home one night
When the BMW of depression
Passed them on the right.
“I think we’re now outdated,”
Said Famine to his peers
So they let the horses loose
And went out to get some beers.
The horses ran to far off lands
Where they could eternally play,
And some lucky Harley-Davidson salesman
Got four new customers today.
Filed under Poems
A Better Deal Than Gas Station Sushi!
Imagine for a moment a world in which the typical person lives about sixteen years before being enslaved by corporate overlords and enduring fifty years of ever-increasing toil simply to stay alive.
In this world there is an individual who has escaped the never-ending cycle of despair, and each day he renews the hope of a few hundred people via moments of free, digitally-published, frequently-rhyming silliness. He is a beacon of cynical optimism, a daily reminder that you don’t have to be perfect (or even reasonably good) to make a difference.
Would you be willing to give 6-12 seconds of your wages to keep the beacon of hope alive?
OF COURSE YOU WOULD!
Well, I have a confession: The in-no-way-a-metaphor-for-this-writer protagonist in the suspiciously-similar-to-real-life fantasy world is actually me! (M. Night Shyamalan, feel free to use this as inspiration for your next film’s inevitable plot twist).
I’ve been thinking about monetizing this blog for a while. I hate ads, and I will never willingly force you to suffer through ads to access this content. Instead of that, I want to give you the chance to financially support me as much or as little as you want via Patreon.
For those of you unfamiliar with Patreon, it’s a membership platform that makes it easy for creators of great stuff to get paid, and gives you (the patrons) some fantastic rewards for your generosity.
This blog has just shy of 900 followers as I write this. If each of you contributed fifty cents a month (less than two cents a day), it would pay my rent for the month. If each of you gave one dollar a month it would almost double my annual income (actually true). [Yes ladies, I’m single]. So if you’re willing to help keep the light of silliness alive in an increasingly dystopian society of “those other guys” for less than the cost of gas station sushi (financially and otherwise), please consider supporting me via Patreon when it launches on September 24th.
Humanity thanks you, as do I.
Filed under To the Reader
The Personified Double-Negative
Tyrants will be tyrants.
Braggarts will be braggarts.
These statements are self-evident
And fear no refutation.
Logicians will be logical.
Artists will be artistic.
So do or do not contrarians
Deserve their reputation?
Filed under Poems
Onomatopoeia
There are certain words
That are written like they sound
Life “oof” and “pow” and “shimmer.”
They really do abound.
Then there are things that make no sound
Like plants and orange and schisms
Which would make great onomatapoeias.
That’s the case with “colloquialisms.”
Filed under Poems
If The Shoe Fits…
I lived a life of luxury.
I thought I had it all
Until I met my true love
At the climactic royal ball.
Her dress had such a shimmer,
Like her slippers made of glass.
Her smile moved a mountain
And OMG dat ass!
We danced ’til past eleven
Before she fled into the night
Leaving my heart in tatters
And a slipper in her flight.
I picked up the glassy remnant
Of the girl who once was mine
And tried it on. Who would’ve guessed
We both wore a lady’s size 9?
Filed under Poems
I Just Rattled This One Off… Hope It Wasn’t Too Boa-ring!
The snake was made uncomfortable
And it gave a gasp.
You might say it experienced
A pain in the asp.
Filed under Poems
Announcing: Tepid Gruel!
Hello readers! Today I’m excited to announce my next book, “Tepid Gruel and other short poems you probably shouldn’t read but will because you’re already looking at this book so, hey, why not?”
Below is the title poem from the book. I hope you enjoy because I’m proud and excited to share it with you and also because I’m very poor and want you to buy the book when it comes out. 🙂
I’m launching a new cologne line
I think is pretty cool
Inspired by the “adequate.”
I call it “Tepid Gruel.”
It smells like tap water, limp white bread,
And past-its-prime shampoo.
It makes a statement, as if to say
“I’m alright… how are you?”
Critics are calling it “fine, I guess,”
“Non-threateningly bland,”
“An understudy’s ideal scent,”
“Inconsequential, thus not panned.”
So if you’re worried you might be liked
Or noticed in a way
Be sure to spritz on some Tepid Gruel
Before you start your day!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Daily Travesty 